Jordan

I wanna cry tears of joy while screaming a scream of unhappiness.
I want to cry the tears of people making fun of me.
Be happy with the dace that i mioght have a date.
Cry me a river.
I dont dare tell on my sister for hurting me, cause i would be the ones who would get in trouble.
I hate this.
But love it,.

Boaz-Dunnum

Do you understand how life changes.
My parents divorced 6 months ago.
My learn my father cheated on my mother.
With Ruth.
Last night at 12am i walked to Ruths.
She and my father knew i was going.
Me. Ruth. Chris. Amber. and David.
Thats who was there.
We all sat around and talked.
I dont mean like hows the weather,
I mean deep shit.
I mean how divorce changes people.
How being there for someone is all you can do sometimes.
My mom says those guys are no good.
But they treat me like i am an adult.
They treat me like i am somebody.
I am important.

Im Smiling...So Fuck Off

 You make fun of my glasses.
My hair.
My pants.
My smile.
My stories.
And yet i call you my best friend.
You asked me why i havent blogged in a while.
Well its kind of because im scared youll read it.
Well im going to be completly honest.
You dating her has killed me.
Not just because you asked her infront of me.
Or becauase whenever yall kiss i wish i was you.
But because you dating her, has changed you.
Your jokes, arent funny now, there just mean.
I cant talk to you anymore because she is two stepps behind you.
Young life used to be where i could talk to you.
Now its an hour where i want to leave because im being ignored.
Im so tired of this
It just adds the shit to my life.
Like that i found out my father has a girlfriend,
I learned this because i read his.
They have kinky sex.
Which is discugusting.
But i found a whip in his room, and some handcuffs.
His girlfriend is my new math tutor, convient?
She is really nice no me and takes me places.
She treats me like she loves me.
But my mom told me that shes only nice to me to get good with dad.
Im the only child that knows of her.
Between reading his texts,
And my mom telling me when she was drunk.
Not calling her an alchoalic. It was a one time thing.
But hell.
My life is all over the place

Grey

I am about to say something i have been thinking. But never said.
Its the worse thought i have ever thought of.
I understand why my father cheated and left my mother.
I cry when i think that.
Though i love my mother,
She is an overbearing bitch.
This divorce is killing me.

Anatomy.

Sorry for not posting for a hwile.
Been superrr busy.
Welll.
Recap?
Parents split.
Father cheated on mother.
I like girl
Tam likes girl.
Girl like tam.
Lifes crazy. More to come later.

Im Only Gonna Break Your Heart

Im the one who wants to die.
Im the one who says hes not okay.
Im the one who is about to cry.
Not because of him.
But because of his unintended actions.
I get upset he doesnt care.
I threaten not to be his friend he says okay.
I tell him to stop he doesnt.
Fuck you.
You say you love me but you go off with him.
You say we are best friends,
But you choose him when im about to cry.
You dont realize it.
But i love you.
Not as a friend.
Your beautiful.
Your kind.
Your sweet.
I wish you could be mine.
When  hear certain songs i think f you.
Why cant i just ever be happy.
For me that never happens.
I become happy for a while.
Then it all gets ruined.
I need to leave this place.
Why am i the one who is always like this.
You kill me.
And you dont even know it.

Wouldnt it be nice if we were older?

Why did it happen again?
I had a mental breakdown during lunch today. I started yelling at Tamriage.
I started hitting him.
He didnt realize that i was actually breaking down,
So he started messing with me.
Sat next to me.
And i flipped.
I left.
Went into a empty classroom.
I started crying a little.
Cleard my head.
Then went to Ms. Lovells room.
She was teaching.
I told her i needed to talk.
Told her i had a break down.
Now i am here.
Listening to 1950's music.
Because she is teaching her class about that decade.
I need this.
I want to die.
But i know if i do, i wont live to see what comes next.
I know i sound dumb.
But its true.
Im half crying.
Watching 7th graders dance to elvis.
Tamriage.
If you read this.
Im sorry i hit you.

Normal Teenagers

You need to stop.
You make me cry.
I want to die.
I go to your fucking house.
To fucking see you.
You know...since your my father and all.
You get pissed cause myn mother is pissed at you for being a fucking asshole.
We have to leave.
You tell me i only wanted to go to yuor house cause Ruth was there?
Bitch i know thats your mistress.
In fact, i didnt want to see her.
She is kind of the fucking reason all this shit is happening.
And then you want me to ride in the car with you?
Hell No.
Then you have the nerve to say "Im not mad at you?"
Thats good that your not....
I am fucking pissed at you.

A Childrens Book.

The rain is pouring out of the sky.
Like the tears falling from my eyes.
I cry and cry.
My life is a wreck.
I want to die.
You know what?
I should be here.
In the place.
I need to leave,
No one wants me here.
Why would they?
Im not worth it.
She doesnt text me anymore.
The other she starts drama.
Lord help me.
Why do people feel this way.
Why do i feel this way.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Its like a pain that never stops.
A mindset that wont change.
Its like depression is my default setting.
Why do i feel this pain?
Why do i want to cut my self?
More then i ever have wanted to before?
This isnt right.
It cant be.
It just cant.

):(:

How can I hate something that is so beautiful?


Its late.

The sun is setting.

The sky is a beautiful.

Towards the horizon it is a light blue, almost white.

Higher up it gets to be a dark blue.

It’s a clear nigh, not a cloud in sight.

A few stars appear here and there, but its to early for them.

All I can really see is the black silhouette of them.

I hear ducks quaking.

I sit.

In my over sized bowl like chair.

Cuddled in blankets.

Listening to “Hey Soul Sister.” By the train.

About to go read my newest book.

“The boy and the dog are sleeping.

I love this.

But hate this.

My father doesn’t understand who I am.

I get yelled at for everything.

My sister kicked me as hard as she could on my head today.

But I got in trouble for yelling at her.

I have asked 30 times to drive during this trip.

The first time my sister asked to drive, she gets to drive all the way back to our mountain house.

I have grown to resent m father evern more, shocker?

My thoughts of killing myself have returned yet again.

Today I contemplated the thought of when my father finally lets me drive,

Driving us off a cliff.

Or staying in my room and setting the house on fire.

I would never do these things.

But that’s what I think.

The song has changed.

I am now listening to Check Yes Juliet by We the Kings.

I want to die.

My friends never text me anymore.

This is driving me crazy.

I can not wait to go to Georgia tomorrow.

I bought a bowl for me and my cousin to smoke with.

It’s a corn cob pipe.

Hell has Hottubs.

Though i didnt want to go to the mountains.
I have to admit.
It hasn't been as bad as i thought it would.
There is a hot tub.
But i get yelled at for everything.
Which sucks.
But i have found my favorite place in the world.
When we arrived i saw this hammock over this hill.
I knew that would be my reading spot.
So after i unpack i go to the hammock.
Its uncomfotorable.
And it started raining.
So i walk around the house trying to find somewhere to read.
There is a back deck.
It has a roof.
And two chairs.
These chairs are like huge bowls.
I curl up in them.
With my pillow.
My book.
And a blanket.
Read while it was sunny.
During th rain.
During the sunset.
After the hot tub.
I read during the night,
It is perfect.
When my family is being annoying its where i go.
(:

We wasted all our freetime alone.

1 new book.
2 coffees.
2.5 hours with Jasmine.
Good day(:
Mountaions tommorow.
Tommorow wont be a good day.

Party in the bug(:

Today has been an amazing day.
You are no longer paret of my life.
My mom says, jokingly of course, if you mess with me again we will call the INS(:
Well today it is sunny and 68 degreess outside.
Not a cloud to be seen for miles around(:
My family went to eat lunch togther.
Then went to target.
Then we put the top down in my moms convertable.
And drove around the city.
Blasting music.
Danceing.
Singing(:

He soul sista. Or sister?

If you had a place that was all yours.
Your thing.
You made it.
And someone you didnt want there invaded.
How would you feel?
So i made this thing called Young Life at my school.
But that died.
It orignally had 20 members.
But now has 3.
So we renamed it Sam and Tams life.
The third memeber is DeeDee.
So every week for the past few meetings me and DeeDee take over the white board.
And write quotes.
This week we had a fourth member.
I cant say her name cause we will end up in guidance.
So we will call her Suzi.
Suzi came.
My ex.
Who ruins my life.
And she started taking over the board.
Writing quotes.
I dont like you suzi.
God damn.
No one understands :/

Why oh Why do i want you?

Why do I chose to be around you?
Why do I choose to put my self thur the pain?
I hate this.
The only reason I stay around is cause I think things will get better.
But I don't think it will.
God damn it.

Why oh Why do i want you?

Why do I chose to be around you?
Why do I choose to put my self thur the pain?
I hate this.
The only reason I stay around is cause I think things will get better.
But I don't think it will.
God damn it.

A Game of Chess

So to avoid any conflict.
I am going to have to use codnames for certain people in my blog.
So here we go.

Screw you Suzie.
Screw you.
Sending me texts saying to tell you what i think.
That i act like you dont eexsist.
Hell yeah i act like that.
You know why?
Because when we talk you cause problems.
When we speak mrs. kathy gets involved.
You dont know when to stop.
I dont want you in my life anymore.
Thats why we havent spoken.
Why does Mat hang around you?
Not in the why would anyone way....
But in the why would he do that too me?
He promised me he wouldnt go after you.
But how am i supposed to feel when he is around you all the time.
and then he uses his damn logic to make it sound like he is treating everyoen equal.
Hes not.
Mat why do you do this too me?
Why do you tell me one thing and do another?
Why dont you qare about me anymore.
Oh wait.
Your too wrapped up i in your own little world.
Which apparently im not apart of anymore.
The fact that you told me that chirs was more important then me...
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
You dont want me to be mad but you say that>?
Fuck you.
If you keep going on the road your on im not gonna be your friend.
You sit there and laugh about your other friends making fun of me.
You sit there and tell me about you making fun of me with your other friends.
And you hurt alot of people.
God damn.
And your supposed to be my friend?
Im tired of this shit.
Go play chess.

Cyber Communication: Progress or Problem.

Why are you better than me?
Why are you more impotant too me?
Why am I not as good as you why are you bettert than me?
Last night was this speech competion.
Top 5 boys and top 5 girls from my school went.
I was one of the boys.
I did a good job.
I thought I would atleast place.
But of course.
I'm not good enough.
All of my friends placed but me.
Carlynne: 1st place girls
Tamriage: 1st place boys
Gina: 2nd place girls.
Sam: no place.
I get to school and all I hear is about how great they are for winning.
About how I didn't do good wnough.
Somepeople are nice and say that I should have placed.
But others aren't.
Certain people brag.
Say "the medal says it all"
I want to go home.
I hate this school.
I hate that stupid cocky tone you give me and say just look at the medal.
I hate the stupid laugh yall do when yall are leaveing me out.
Yeah we are the pentagon.
But I don't feel like I matter.
What if I disapeared.
What if I never said goodbye.
And I left forever.
I hate when you act like I'm not there.
Why am I always rthe one who gets left out.
Last place again.
December comes last.

LLITM....ACKHTMGM.

How many times a day do i talk to you,
But you dont hear me.
I say your name but you dont even care.
I wonder what you think about me.
If we truly are friends.
Why am i being a dick?
Why did you say fuck you to me?
Why did you lie and say i was better?
Why do you use me?
Though everyone of those questions is directed to a different person.
Why do yuo say you love me if you dont.
I wonder why alot of things happen.
Ignorance is bliss.
Wait that doesnt fit.
Too bad.

Hello, My name is Lane Kim.

I feel like i have to hide who i really am.
I feel as though no one should see the real me.
Why?
Why?
Why?
I feel like if i show you who i really am.
You will surley leave me.
So what do i do to hide this?

I hollow out books.
Today i hollowed out 2 books.
They are to hide money.
I decided once i raise 2,000 dollars
I will tell my parents i am bi.
This is because i need to make sure i have money.
Because if they kick me out,
Then i need money to fall back on.

My name is Sam.
And i am scared of being myself.
I feel like i need to dress like everyone else does.
I need to say what everyone else does.
I need to be like everyone else.
And the real me needs to be hidden.
Because if you see the real me.
You wont like me.