Like its Thanksgiving and it ain't coming back.

Off to GA to see the family.
Off to see that boy.
Lord help me.

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Don't go in there...

Hello.
I love you.
I want you back.
I love you.
I need you
But I best not.
I need someone new.
I really do.
Shannon....
Find me a man. :)

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You are the best thing

Your life is perfect.
You have friends.
You get to go out.
I am your brother.
You are supposed to love me.
You are supposed to include me.
I cover your ass.
I make sure you don't get caught.
I lie for you all the time.
I am tired of this.
I'm tired of this.
You say we are like best friends.
Bestfriends don't do this to one another.

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And never look back

I want to run away from home.
Goodbye.
So long.
They wont miss me.
Theyll put on a show.
And act like they do.
But they are liars.
I plan my getaway now.

The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more

You make me go to that school.
You say its good for me.
This is horrible.
I want to be back in the 8th grade.
Life was perfect then.
Actually it was horrible,
But better then now.

I used to have this girlfriend.
Lets call her G.
I loved G.
I ended up hating G.
Me and G. started talking again.
I want G. back.
We were great.
We could be greater.
But i guess i understand why you dont come back.

Life is complicated.

Hello. Can't work today, still queer.

Im different. I get that.
Im not a normal boy.
You watch football.
I watch Greys Atanomy.
You play football.

I dont like going to football games.
You cant wait to see Iron man.
I cant wait to see For Colored Girls.
You say that girl is hot.
I know her deepest secret.
You want to get with her.
I want to take her shopping.
Why does it matter.
He like girls.
She likes boys.
I think i like both.
By think i like both.
I mean im not sure if i like girls at this point.
They say i need to come out.
Why.
I never said i was straight.
Straight boys dont have to say im straight.

IB will be the Death of Me.

Long time, no post D:
I havent posted since July 6th
Thats because life has been a rollercoaster since then.
I have built up. Torn down.
Done things i wish i hadnt.
Became best friends with someone.
Hated that person.
And now we are cool.
They think i liike them more than i actually do.
Her name?
Ruth, my fathers girlfriend.

Did you know that i am fifteen years old?
I am not forty two as my mother might think.
She talks trash about my dad.
About Ruth.
She tells me about the more adult part of my parents divorce,
Like the cheating. The lying.
But i dont want to hear it.
I tell her but it goes in one ear and out the other.

I have four best friends.
Only four.
Reid has like 10.
(Reid is my older sister)
Reid goes to real high school.
Reid goes to real parties.
Reid has lots real friends.
Reid is normal.
Sam goes to a fake high school.
Sam goes to fake parties.
Sam has only 4 real friends.
Sam isnt normal.

Lying Liars

This is complete bullshit i must say.
The words you say.
The promises you make.
Everytime you said i love you.
BULLSHIT.
I miss the past.
I want the future.
The present is confusing.

Dat Blueberry Kush

I am currently vactioning in good ole Griffin, GA.
I am hanging out with my cousins, Tad and Kim.
They are my oldest two cousins,
Their pretty cool.

Life latley has been all over the place.
I feel like i am being played.
Everyone lies to me,
Ruth says we should be close.
I tell her everything.
She doesnt tell me anything.
Reid says she loves me.
Then she blames me for everything.
People are only nice when i have something to give.

Jordan

I wanna cry tears of joy while screaming a scream of unhappiness.
I want to cry the tears of people making fun of me.
Be happy with the dace that i mioght have a date.
Cry me a river.
I dont dare tell on my sister for hurting me, cause i would be the ones who would get in trouble.
I hate this.
But love it,.

Boaz-Dunnum

Do you understand how life changes.
My parents divorced 6 months ago.
My learn my father cheated on my mother.
With Ruth.
Last night at 12am i walked to Ruths.
She and my father knew i was going.
Me. Ruth. Chris. Amber. and David.
Thats who was there.
We all sat around and talked.
I dont mean like hows the weather,
I mean deep shit.
I mean how divorce changes people.
How being there for someone is all you can do sometimes.
My mom says those guys are no good.
But they treat me like i am an adult.
They treat me like i am somebody.
I am important.

Im Smiling...So Fuck Off

 You make fun of my glasses.
My hair.
My pants.
My smile.
My stories.
And yet i call you my best friend.
You asked me why i havent blogged in a while.
Well its kind of because im scared youll read it.
Well im going to be completly honest.
You dating her has killed me.
Not just because you asked her infront of me.
Or becauase whenever yall kiss i wish i was you.
But because you dating her, has changed you.
Your jokes, arent funny now, there just mean.
I cant talk to you anymore because she is two stepps behind you.
Young life used to be where i could talk to you.
Now its an hour where i want to leave because im being ignored.
Im so tired of this
It just adds the shit to my life.
Like that i found out my father has a girlfriend,
I learned this because i read his.
They have kinky sex.
Which is discugusting.
But i found a whip in his room, and some handcuffs.
His girlfriend is my new math tutor, convient?
She is really nice no me and takes me places.
She treats me like she loves me.
But my mom told me that shes only nice to me to get good with dad.
Im the only child that knows of her.
Between reading his texts,
And my mom telling me when she was drunk.
Not calling her an alchoalic. It was a one time thing.
But hell.
My life is all over the place

Grey

I am about to say something i have been thinking. But never said.
Its the worse thought i have ever thought of.
I understand why my father cheated and left my mother.
I cry when i think that.
Though i love my mother,
She is an overbearing bitch.
This divorce is killing me.

Anatomy.

Sorry for not posting for a hwile.
Been superrr busy.
Welll.
Recap?
Parents split.
Father cheated on mother.
I like girl
Tam likes girl.
Girl like tam.
Lifes crazy. More to come later.

Im Only Gonna Break Your Heart

Im the one who wants to die.
Im the one who says hes not okay.
Im the one who is about to cry.
Not because of him.
But because of his unintended actions.
I get upset he doesnt care.
I threaten not to be his friend he says okay.
I tell him to stop he doesnt.
Fuck you.
You say you love me but you go off with him.
You say we are best friends,
But you choose him when im about to cry.
You dont realize it.
But i love you.
Not as a friend.
Your beautiful.
Your kind.
Your sweet.
I wish you could be mine.
When  hear certain songs i think f you.
Why cant i just ever be happy.
For me that never happens.
I become happy for a while.
Then it all gets ruined.
I need to leave this place.
Why am i the one who is always like this.
You kill me.
And you dont even know it.

Wouldnt it be nice if we were older?

Why did it happen again?
I had a mental breakdown during lunch today. I started yelling at Tamriage.
I started hitting him.
He didnt realize that i was actually breaking down,
So he started messing with me.
Sat next to me.
And i flipped.
I left.
Went into a empty classroom.
I started crying a little.
Cleard my head.
Then went to Ms. Lovells room.
She was teaching.
I told her i needed to talk.
Told her i had a break down.
Now i am here.
Listening to 1950's music.
Because she is teaching her class about that decade.
I need this.
I want to die.
But i know if i do, i wont live to see what comes next.
I know i sound dumb.
But its true.
Im half crying.
Watching 7th graders dance to elvis.
Tamriage.
If you read this.
Im sorry i hit you.

Normal Teenagers

You need to stop.
You make me cry.
I want to die.
I go to your fucking house.
To fucking see you.
You know...since your my father and all.
You get pissed cause myn mother is pissed at you for being a fucking asshole.
We have to leave.
You tell me i only wanted to go to yuor house cause Ruth was there?
Bitch i know thats your mistress.
In fact, i didnt want to see her.
She is kind of the fucking reason all this shit is happening.
And then you want me to ride in the car with you?
Hell No.
Then you have the nerve to say "Im not mad at you?"
Thats good that your not....
I am fucking pissed at you.

A Childrens Book.

The rain is pouring out of the sky.
Like the tears falling from my eyes.
I cry and cry.
My life is a wreck.
I want to die.
You know what?
I should be here.
In the place.
I need to leave,
No one wants me here.
Why would they?
Im not worth it.
She doesnt text me anymore.
The other she starts drama.
Lord help me.
Why do people feel this way.
Why do i feel this way.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Its like a pain that never stops.
A mindset that wont change.
Its like depression is my default setting.
Why do i feel this pain?
Why do i want to cut my self?
More then i ever have wanted to before?
This isnt right.
It cant be.
It just cant.

):(:

How can I hate something that is so beautiful?


Its late.

The sun is setting.

The sky is a beautiful.

Towards the horizon it is a light blue, almost white.

Higher up it gets to be a dark blue.

It’s a clear nigh, not a cloud in sight.

A few stars appear here and there, but its to early for them.

All I can really see is the black silhouette of them.

I hear ducks quaking.

I sit.

In my over sized bowl like chair.

Cuddled in blankets.

Listening to “Hey Soul Sister.” By the train.

About to go read my newest book.

“The boy and the dog are sleeping.

I love this.

But hate this.

My father doesn’t understand who I am.

I get yelled at for everything.

My sister kicked me as hard as she could on my head today.

But I got in trouble for yelling at her.

I have asked 30 times to drive during this trip.

The first time my sister asked to drive, she gets to drive all the way back to our mountain house.

I have grown to resent m father evern more, shocker?

My thoughts of killing myself have returned yet again.

Today I contemplated the thought of when my father finally lets me drive,

Driving us off a cliff.

Or staying in my room and setting the house on fire.

I would never do these things.

But that’s what I think.

The song has changed.

I am now listening to Check Yes Juliet by We the Kings.

I want to die.

My friends never text me anymore.

This is driving me crazy.

I can not wait to go to Georgia tomorrow.

I bought a bowl for me and my cousin to smoke with.

It’s a corn cob pipe.

Hell has Hottubs.

Though i didnt want to go to the mountains.
I have to admit.
It hasn't been as bad as i thought it would.
There is a hot tub.
But i get yelled at for everything.
Which sucks.
But i have found my favorite place in the world.
When we arrived i saw this hammock over this hill.
I knew that would be my reading spot.
So after i unpack i go to the hammock.
Its uncomfotorable.
And it started raining.
So i walk around the house trying to find somewhere to read.
There is a back deck.
It has a roof.
And two chairs.
These chairs are like huge bowls.
I curl up in them.
With my pillow.
My book.
And a blanket.
Read while it was sunny.
During th rain.
During the sunset.
After the hot tub.
I read during the night,
It is perfect.
When my family is being annoying its where i go.
(:

We wasted all our freetime alone.

1 new book.
2 coffees.
2.5 hours with Jasmine.
Good day(:
Mountaions tommorow.
Tommorow wont be a good day.

Party in the bug(:

Today has been an amazing day.
You are no longer paret of my life.
My mom says, jokingly of course, if you mess with me again we will call the INS(:
Well today it is sunny and 68 degreess outside.
Not a cloud to be seen for miles around(:
My family went to eat lunch togther.
Then went to target.
Then we put the top down in my moms convertable.
And drove around the city.
Blasting music.
Danceing.
Singing(:

He soul sista. Or sister?

If you had a place that was all yours.
Your thing.
You made it.
And someone you didnt want there invaded.
How would you feel?
So i made this thing called Young Life at my school.
But that died.
It orignally had 20 members.
But now has 3.
So we renamed it Sam and Tams life.
The third memeber is DeeDee.
So every week for the past few meetings me and DeeDee take over the white board.
And write quotes.
This week we had a fourth member.
I cant say her name cause we will end up in guidance.
So we will call her Suzi.
Suzi came.
My ex.
Who ruins my life.
And she started taking over the board.
Writing quotes.
I dont like you suzi.
God damn.
No one understands :/

Why oh Why do i want you?

Why do I chose to be around you?
Why do I choose to put my self thur the pain?
I hate this.
The only reason I stay around is cause I think things will get better.
But I don't think it will.
God damn it.

Why oh Why do i want you?

Why do I chose to be around you?
Why do I choose to put my self thur the pain?
I hate this.
The only reason I stay around is cause I think things will get better.
But I don't think it will.
God damn it.

A Game of Chess

So to avoid any conflict.
I am going to have to use codnames for certain people in my blog.
So here we go.

Screw you Suzie.
Screw you.
Sending me texts saying to tell you what i think.
That i act like you dont eexsist.
Hell yeah i act like that.
You know why?
Because when we talk you cause problems.
When we speak mrs. kathy gets involved.
You dont know when to stop.
I dont want you in my life anymore.
Thats why we havent spoken.
Why does Mat hang around you?
Not in the why would anyone way....
But in the why would he do that too me?
He promised me he wouldnt go after you.
But how am i supposed to feel when he is around you all the time.
and then he uses his damn logic to make it sound like he is treating everyoen equal.
Hes not.
Mat why do you do this too me?
Why do you tell me one thing and do another?
Why dont you qare about me anymore.
Oh wait.
Your too wrapped up i in your own little world.
Which apparently im not apart of anymore.
The fact that you told me that chirs was more important then me...
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
You dont want me to be mad but you say that>?
Fuck you.
If you keep going on the road your on im not gonna be your friend.
You sit there and laugh about your other friends making fun of me.
You sit there and tell me about you making fun of me with your other friends.
And you hurt alot of people.
God damn.
And your supposed to be my friend?
Im tired of this shit.
Go play chess.

Cyber Communication: Progress or Problem.

Why are you better than me?
Why are you more impotant too me?
Why am I not as good as you why are you bettert than me?
Last night was this speech competion.
Top 5 boys and top 5 girls from my school went.
I was one of the boys.
I did a good job.
I thought I would atleast place.
But of course.
I'm not good enough.
All of my friends placed but me.
Carlynne: 1st place girls
Tamriage: 1st place boys
Gina: 2nd place girls.
Sam: no place.
I get to school and all I hear is about how great they are for winning.
About how I didn't do good wnough.
Somepeople are nice and say that I should have placed.
But others aren't.
Certain people brag.
Say "the medal says it all"
I want to go home.
I hate this school.
I hate that stupid cocky tone you give me and say just look at the medal.
I hate the stupid laugh yall do when yall are leaveing me out.
Yeah we are the pentagon.
But I don't feel like I matter.
What if I disapeared.
What if I never said goodbye.
And I left forever.
I hate when you act like I'm not there.
Why am I always rthe one who gets left out.
Last place again.
December comes last.

LLITM....ACKHTMGM.

How many times a day do i talk to you,
But you dont hear me.
I say your name but you dont even care.
I wonder what you think about me.
If we truly are friends.
Why am i being a dick?
Why did you say fuck you to me?
Why did you lie and say i was better?
Why do you use me?
Though everyone of those questions is directed to a different person.
Why do yuo say you love me if you dont.
I wonder why alot of things happen.
Ignorance is bliss.
Wait that doesnt fit.
Too bad.

Hello, My name is Lane Kim.

I feel like i have to hide who i really am.
I feel as though no one should see the real me.
Why?
Why?
Why?
I feel like if i show you who i really am.
You will surley leave me.
So what do i do to hide this?

I hollow out books.
Today i hollowed out 2 books.
They are to hide money.
I decided once i raise 2,000 dollars
I will tell my parents i am bi.
This is because i need to make sure i have money.
Because if they kick me out,
Then i need money to fall back on.

My name is Sam.
And i am scared of being myself.
I feel like i need to dress like everyone else does.
I need to say what everyone else does.
I need to be like everyone else.
And the real me needs to be hidden.
Because if you see the real me.
You wont like me.

Take notes.Youll need them.

You make me smile.
You make me cry.
You make me happy.
You frustrate me.
How can you do this to me and still be who you are?
Did you know when i think about that situation, i almost want to cry.
Not because i am jealous.
Not because i am some emotional freak.
Well maybe i am an emotional freak. But still.
Its because you made me a promise.
You promised me that you would stay away.
You would do as i say.
 Jump ship before it sets sail.
But you wont listen to me.
Your just going to go on doing what you do.
She says shes not into you.
But she lies.
I see it in her eyes.
She wants you.
She needs you.
She needed me at one point.
She really did.
But you see where me and her are now?
I dont want that for you.
I gave her my heart and she broke it in two.
She gave dme hers, and yeah i hurt it.
I tried to repair it.
But she never saw that.
You, you dont want that.
But that doesnt matter.
You wont listen to me.
Do you want to know why i really dont want you to go there?
Because if i saw you near her.
If i saw you cuddling with her.
I wouldnt be able to stand it.
Why?
I have no idea.
Just the thought of it makes me uncomftorable.
And then,
You would become obessed like i did,
And want to spend all your time with her.
Where would you go during gym?
With her?
With us?
You cant have both.
Because you know the rest of us dont want her with us.
I.
Cant.
Do.
This.
You say to live life in the moment.
LLITM.
But sometimes.
We need to think about others perspectives.
Think about how others might feel.
I want to belive that you will do as you promised.
But it kills me when i have to doubt my bestfriend.
Its Death From Doubt.

There isnt just Black and White. Theres Grey too.

People are so ***********************.
Haha sorry. I got called to guaidance the other day.
And have been having meetings.
Because someone put stuff about people, including me on their  blog.
And i got upset.
And cussed the bitch out(:
And so my guidance counslor said if i wanted to say something mean over blog.
To use astirks.
Haha i love you mrs. snyder.

There is drama in the pentagon.
The pentagon is what me and four of my friends call ourselves.
Yeah it may sound dumb, but its us,

Tommorow i have my starbuks meeting with jasmine.
Ill post more later.

Anything.

I love you.
I hate you.
I want you.
I want nothing to do with you.
I need you.
I need you to leave me alone.
But, I need you now.
I know we have had a rocky past.
I know we have had our ups and downs.
I know we are just now starting to become friends.
But babe, i need you now.
Your beautful.
Kind.
Sweet.
Wonderful.
When i ask if we can be together, you quote shakespear.
You arent shallow.
Babe.
We could be so great.
Your everything i want.
Your everything i need.
You and me together,
We can take on anything.

Being Striaght is the Default Setting

Today has been an amazing day.
I went to Starbucks with Jasmine.
We sat and talked about everything under the sun.
Litterally.
We sat outside in the sun with a nice breeze.
Sitting at an old faded wood table.
Which was pressed up against a stone wall.
That over looked Thurway Shopping Center.
It was beautiful
We talked about all of our problems,
And I sipped my Chi Tea Latte.
And she sipped her frapacino.
We talked about
Girls.
Boys.
Parents.
School.
Drama.
Gossip.
Life.
It was wonderful to just have time to sit with a friend.
Then we walked across the street to this little used book store.
We bought several books.
I got a new book intitled Object of Desire.
And she got books about films and Malcom X,
After we bought our books we walked to this statue, which is surronded by a stone wall.
And we once again sat and talked.
We plan on doing the same next sunday.
And i plan on writing a book.
Ill let you know more later.

Hot Steamy Shower

Though i have been sick the last two days,
I have had a good week.
I have been talking more with a good friend of mine.
We are going for coffee at star bucks on saturday.
I  have come out to more people that i am bi sexual.
Though im not ready to make it public yet.
Its been a good week.

love is a battlefeild

So much to say but so little time.
I lay in my room.
Hidden in my sheets.
being happy.
Its been a while since I've been happy.
Its been a rough week.
Lost a bestfriend cause she's a controling bitch and says my life is fine.
Gained 1 new best friend. We tell eachother everything.
Told my older siser I was bi.
Broke it off with brooke.
Devloped a crush on a guy.
My first offical gay crush. :)
And gained a new friend. Ill post more later.
Lots of love.

Beez Kneez

When you think things have gotten better they get worse.
Take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.
My sisters once again all ganged up against me.
Called me a pycho with no friends.
And i cut for the first time in forever.
And i realized i have slipped back into being suicidal. FML.
I dont know.
Sometimes i just wish things were different.
Very different.
I wish my dad supported me.
I wish my mom cared more.
I wish they were still together.
I wish i was happy.
Not sitting alone blogging.
Not that blogging is a bad thing.
But i started it cause i need somewhere to share it all.
And here i am.
Spreading my message.
Ugh i keep getting those thoughts in my head.
I want to die.

Ims till alive. But im barley breathing.

When you think life has given you lemons to make lemonade,
You just send up with sour juice.
If that made sence....
Today i cried.
For the first time in a while.
Between my family going to them mall,
When i got in the car my sister said no dont let him go.
Then whenevr we ould pivk at each other I would get yelled at.
Then my sister picked at me for 8 striaght minutes.
Saying
"At least my spanish teacher doesnt call me fat."
"At least Im not fat."
"Now your gonna cry like a baby like always"
"No one likes you."
I lost it.
Slapped her across the face. and guess who gets yelled at?
Me.
Goddddd...
Fuck my life.
I want to smoke but im out of ciggreates.
I want to cut but i threw away my blade.
I want to die but i need to stay here.
FML.

Death from Embrassment

Have you ever felt tired of being left out.
Of your family being happy...
Without you there.
Have you ever felt tired ofbeing alone.
My mom asked why I have been upset today
Maybe its because I wanted to go to the mall with my dad and sisters but everyone tried their hardest to get me not to go.
Maybe its because I wanted to go to a concert with my sister but she made me feel bad because she didn't want me there.
Maybe its because when I'm around everyone is fighting,
But when I leave they are all okay.
Maybe its when I want to talk,
No body is there to listen.
Maybe it because when I feel alone,
No body is there to comfort me.
Maybe its because when I need love,
All I get is hate.
Maybe its because when I need you,
Your not there.
Or maybe,
Its because I'm tired of being the only one who gives a damn about me.

Lyfe.

I want to meet you.
I want to look you in the eye.
I want to sit with you.
I want talk to you.
Hell, all i want to do it see you.
You dont know it but your one of my best friends.
Your one of the only people who i tell everything too.
You are an amazing person.
I love you, as a friend.

1130 N Main Street

Do you know what its like to work hard to do something.
And it fails.

So heres my day
Wake up to screaming people because their house is flooding.
Clean SOMEONE elese house because of the broken pipe.
Get clean WITHOUT water.
Get dressed.
Go to a 1 year olds party to be with the girl i like.
Excpet i sat their for an hour until she got their.
Asked her out.
She said no.
FML

Go hug Aunt Rita

If i could write a letter to me...
And send it back in time
To my self at 13.
Heres what it say.

Dear Sam at 13.
First, ill prove its me by saying, look behind your bed side table drawer. Theres a box where you keep ciggereats. That no one knows about but you. So heres some advice for you. These next few years are going to be hard. You are going to get in more trouble then you could ever imagine. You know that weed you stole and gave to Jude and Frankie, yeah mom finds out. Advice, dont get caught. Im not gonna lie and say doing the weed was a mistake. So coming up in your life you are going to start doing something you never thought you would do. Your gonna start cutting.And you will stop and start again time after time. But eventually by the time you are 15 you will be done with that. You also will start smoking ciggerates. Which is something i advise you to stop. Because you end up spending alot of money on that habit. Your gonna start dating this girl named gaby. And you are going to think you love her with all your heart. And when you break up it is the end of the world. Its not. Things get better. You meet brooke. And then youll meet more girls.
Live a good life.

Love,
Sam

correction

Correction she is not a blogger whore. She called me a blogger attention whoré

Number 9

Had a greart day.
Except when he learned his "friend" in canada thinks he is a jerk,
Who is a "blogger whore"
Even though im always nice to you.
And try to help you...
But thanks :/

Other than that i am great.
Saw brooke today(:
Having an okay life.
But i lost a follower:/

Baby...

Has something ever seemed like a better idea,
Then an actual concept?
Like the idea of haveing pancakes is good.
But theres alot of work into making those pancakes.
Alot of work into getting those pancakes ready to be eaten.
And what if they arent that good?
What if they arent worth the work?

So basically here is what that mean by that metaphore.
I like brooke.
I like her alot.
But im worried about starting a new realshinship.
Im want to start it.
Im going to date her.
Im just worried.
And needed to vent.
Ideas?

Congruent Angles

Ugh.
So Gaby got kinda more....obsessed?
She keeps talking about being "addicted" to me.
And well, she keeps telling me she wants me back.
Then I tell her you know what? im over you.
So after i tell her this,
She then proceeds to tell me shes over me.
Shes so....wishy washy.
I dont know what her deal is latley.
She even broke up with her boyfriend for me.
But she got him back when i said i didnt want to go back out.
Why would a 15 year old boy want to date a girl who wants to get married like, tommorow?
Guess what girls.
No matter how perfect your guy seems,
We arent much for future commitment.
Like, we love you.
We really do.
But when we are young,
We dont want to hear about getting married.
If we end up getting married thats great.
If we dont,
Its just high school babe.
Youll get over it.

Love is in the air, and im coming down with something

I went on my first date yesterday.
Well not my first date, But my first date since me and gaby broke up.
I went with this girl named Brooke.
And we had a great time.
We went to see Valentines Day
We had alot of fun,
And i am seeing her again tonight(:

To Wittness Love.

Today in English we read o poem on Love.
I almost broke down,
Not because of the poem.
But because of my teacher remarks about the poem.
He started talking about marriage.
And when you get married, and have kids,
You have to find a new, deeper connection with your spouse.
He talked about how you should lover your spouse.
About how if you dont,
You marriage will end.
He would stop.
And so i started to wonder why my parents couldnt make their marriage work.
Last night,
I had a wonderful dream.
My parents, never divorced.
And we went on a fmaily road trip.
I miss my old life,
And hate the new one.

Im on a ledge and about to jump.

My family truly hates me, and i am truly alone in this world.
My sister and I got into a fight this morning, she proceeds to call me "F Boy."
She finds it funny to make fun of my grades.
She then makes sure i know everyone hates me.
No one likes me at all.
And they all wish i would just leave.
My father, takes her side.
I call my mother wanting her to pick me up from my fathers house.
She says no.
She said no to me, as i was thinking about hanging my self in my new clost.
So now,i sit on my bed.
Stare into that dark closet.
Listening to the sounds of my itunes playlist,
And the distant sound of my sisters making fun of me.
Thats my life.
And i hate it.
Maybe my sister is right.
Maybe no one does want me.
What if i ran away?
Would anyone care?
Everything that hates me here.
They are so fake.
Last night me and my sister were laughing, haveing a great time.
Today, she treats me like she hates me.
Everyone hates me, even my self.
I have nothing good to offer.
Im not smart.
Im ugly.
Im fat.
Im a cutter.
Im bisexual.
All of these my family makes me feel bad about my self for.
Even though they dont know im still as cutter, or that i am bi.
They make me feel bad about it.
I hate my self.

That turns out the lights.

For starters....
http://www.formspring.me/Sammytinnc
Ask me anything.
I love funny, awkward qurstions.
They make my day.

And i have a confession.
Which for you isnt a big deal.
But i need to say it.
I feel like my parnets divorce is my fault.
I want to kill my self.
And my family gennerally hates me.

Thats my life.
Fml.
Longer post to come.

Daddy Please

For starters...
I have a mystery commenter(:
They leave random comments under anonuymus.
Who are you mystery commenter?
Reveal yourself! ahah

Secondly,
This parents not being together is not working out.
I hat having to pack up to go to my own parents house.
And i hate the way my family runs.
I can be talking to someone, and they will pick up the phone and call someone.

And i know i will sound hypocritical.
But im tired of people bashing my dad.
Everytime i talk to my mom or her friends all i hear is insulting my dad.
You know what?
SHUT UP!
I dont want to hear ho horrible he is.
He has his flaws and i resent him sometimes,
But you dont get to insult him
He is my father.
Im sounding hypocrtical, but im tired of it.
This is hard enough on me.

Jane you wore a due rag

Today was one of those days that you thought would suck,
But end up okay.
I went to my friends eagle ceromony.
My sister had to come..
We went out to eat.
I got to drive.
Today was good.
Staying at my dads iis good.
Life is good.
And im feeling okay.

PearBear

Chipped paint.
Dusty floors.
Mix matching colors on the wals.
A bed with no sheets.
A broken air condioner,
A ld dresser.
Broken Blinds.
This is my room in my dads house.
The room that i lived in 5 years ago when we were a family.
Not this seperated thing we are now.

My teacher learned i was suicidal and a cutter.
And that im having a hard time.
So she says we are going to start haveing lunch.
To talk about my life.
To make sure im okay.

Sweet Dreams That Wont Come True.

Today at school i had 3 break downs.
Due to my dad is moving out today.
And that Gabys boyfriend came to eat lunch with her today.
Which resulted in me saying i was mad.
And Richard saying be happy.
Now shes with someone she actually wants to be with.
I am failing every class.
And i am suicidal.
FML.

All of this together resulted in me sitting in my favorite teachers room skipping life skills.

Now im sitting in my room listening to a playlist of owl city and we the kings.
 Life is at a complicated point right now.
My mother forgot i want to kill myself i belive.
She doesnt treat me like i want to die, more like im just here.

Waiting on the world to change.

And as she told me the truth about my life.
As she made sure i knew what everybody else thinks.
I ran.
And hid.
And grabbed that razor for the first time in forever.
And drug it across my wrists.
And sat.
And stared.
At the blood filling the cut.
The tears started to fill my eyes.
But i stopped them
Yall probaby think im too emotional.
But being suicidal...
It does that to you.
But i stopped the tears.
I have cried more then i have my entire life these past 6 days.
And i didnt want to cry.
So i sat.
And waited.
For myself to calm down.
But it didnt work for long.
But now im here.
Waiting for things to change.

The Equal Sign

Panic Attacks=Not fun.
Today=Bad day.
I went to my dads house for the first time, which made me upset.
Cause i relized how real it all was.
Then i drove with my mom home.
She started crying about the divorce.
Which made me cry.
So i get home...
Ask my sister if she wants to study together.
She says yeah! sure.
As im walking down stairs to get smething to drink,
I hear her talking about me saying she doesnt want to study with me,
That it was suppoed to be just her and a friend.
So i walk up stairs,
Go to get my computer.
I start choking almost.
Like i couldnt get air.
Dropped to my knees.
Crying.
Couldnt stop.
Then in sat in my room.
I didnt know what was going on.
I was confused.

Hawtorne

I want things to go back to the way they were.
Im tired of crying.
Im tired of crying the tears no one will see.
No one will care about.
No one will know about.
Life is killing me a little bit at a time each day.
I feel like everything that happens is my fault.

TamTam

Todays Scedual: Study.
Exam week is this week.
And i have to try to make it thru the week with as few break downs as possible.
I am to stressed out.
I am in charge of my boyscout troop.
I run young life.
I am suicidal.
I have exams.
My parents are getting a divorce.
My dad is moving out tommorow,
Please God help me thourgh this week.
Im so tired of this.
Help?

I cried my eyes at, but youll never know.

I cry those tears that no one are allowed to see.
I am supposed to be the strong one.
The one who is supposed to comfort my little sisters.
I am the one who supposed to tell my mom its going to be okay.
The one who is supposed to act like nothing is wrong,
Well you know what?
My parents are divorcing and im crying.
And i dont want them to.
And i dont know if things are going to be okay.
Im not being strong.
Well to them,
Im being very strong.
My parnets and sisters think im okay with it.
I dont cry infront of them.
I dont talk about it.
I just do that by my self.
I cry.
And cry.
And cry some more.
I love my family.
But those thoughts of suicide are coming back up.
I cant do this.

Where are you going sir?

Ironay is a funny funny thing..
So i have a story to tell you.

Black, dirty sweat shirt.
Blue jeans with a stain.
My polos on.
My sisters and i went to eat dinner together,
First time we have done that together in a while.
It wasso fun.
On the way there we blare "I miss back when,"
And on the way home, "One Time"
When we got home the whole family sat in the living room together.
Talked.
Laughed.
Had great time.
Then what happens?
Things get serious.
And my parents tell us,
They are getting a divorce.
Since then things have been awkward around the house.
When ever we talk about it,
No one says the word divorce.
We say, "What mom and dad told us lat night,"
When we talk about where my dad is going to live,
We dont say dads house.
We say, "the miller street house."
I said i would be happy about it.
I said i wanted it.
But now that its real,
I dont.
I want to leave.
I want my dad to stay.

Romeo. Romeo. Where are fort thou Romeo?

I like to think im a optamistic.
I like to think i belive in the everyday fairy tale.
You know...
Love at first sight.
Soul mates.
Fairy tale ending.
I like to think that one day we all get that happy ending.
But people in my class, they dont think so.
We had our quartarly IB seminar 2 days ago.
The topic: Romeo and Juliet.
My classes opinion on the charachter: 2 crazy teens who were stupid, made rash decisions, and thought they had love at first sight which doesnt exsist.
My opinion: Romeo and Juliet are two people in love. They saw each other and they knew they were ment to be. Their ulimate goal was to be together forever.
Love at first sight...
Optimist: Yes it exsists.
Pessimist: No it doesnt.
Realsit: Its lust at first sight, not love.
Sam Tarleton: It happens every now and then. Not every love is love at first sight. But those that are, they are truly special.

It is an odd predicament. Do you find it odd? Your predicament.

I wrote this letter to gaby. I may give it to her i dont know. Im not sure.
It tells her everything. What do you think?

Dear Gaby,
You broke my heart. We fought. You went to him. You want to be friends. I aggreed. But that is somehting im not sure if i can do. I see you in the hall way and i avoid you most of the time. Because i cant talk to you. Cause when i do i remeber everything about the last year of us. And you know what? However feminish this sounds, i am still madly in love with you. I see you in the hall and all i want is for things to be back to the way they were. The hardest thing you can do is watch the one you love, love someone other then you. Babe i have had to do it so many times in my life. Being your "friend" for the past couple of days has been so hard. You have made it so hard. All you talk about is going to reynolds. Babe im not dumb. You are going there for him. And he is someone you wont stop calling perfect. I understand you thinking he is perfect. But truthfully do you think that i want to hear about how amazing you find the guy that you left me for? You tell me about how he makes you feel like a princess and all of that. But i dont want to hear it. Im sorry babe. But i dont know what to do.

With love.
Sam

When everything was falling apart...

I had a break down in front of my family today.
Root of the break down: French Fries.
As funny as that sounds its truth.
My mom was eating fries.
Asked if any one wanted the rest.
Me and my little sisters said yes.
She gave them to my little sisters.
I got irratated.
Then i tried to tell my mom about a something that happened at school today.My sister inturupted me and started talking to my mom.
I told my sister i was talking.
I got yelled at for inturupting my sister.
Then i got yelled at for getting mad at getting yelled at.
Which led into a snowball of arguments.
Which ended in me yelling about how my sisters are put first.
How my father loves them more then me.
How everything revolves around my little sisters and that i wasnt important.
And then i ran upstairs and started crying.
Which led to me being alone for 10 minutes and feeling like no one cares.
Then my mom called me down stairs.
Told me i was wrong, and thats not true but she understands why i think that.
Now im here...
God i want to cut so badly.
Between that and im starting to have feelings for Gaby again:/
Which scares the hell out of me.
When i see her in the hall way i want to hug her.
I want to kiss her.
I want to hold her hand.
I want to look into those beautiful brown eyes and tell her i love her.
But she doesnt want me.
She stoped wanting me a whoile ago she says.
Fuck My Life.

Dont touch a hot stove.

Have you ever felt like you mean more to someone then they mean to you?
Gaby says she needs me but i dont know.
She wants to be friends but i dont know,
She wants to go back to the way we were...
But as friends.
Can i do that?
I have no idea in hell.
Kassandra says to forgive her, which i mostly have.
She says to let her bac in my life.
But the thing is...
I dont know if i can.
You can only let your heart get broken so many times.
You can only let your self get hurt so many times.
But what the hell do i do?

Beltloops

Hey...
Just a quick update.
Im at school...Stilll....
Getting yelled at.
By the biggest, meanest, teacher at Paisley IB.
Becaise im "a lieing child who needs to grow up."
Whatever(:
I am now with my favorite teacher...
Listening to music...
Blogging(:
About to go talk to future IBers about Student Council.
Cause i am that cool...
Ispend my days at school...
All day.
Voulenterraly.
Better then being at home(:

Morgantown

For starters...
I have a new blog.
Its between me and one of my bestest friends.
Its going to be like us writing each others letters.
I am excited(:

Life has been a mix of emotions latley.
Happy.
Sad.
Excitment.
Angery.
Joy.
Resentment.
But you know what?
Not one suicidal thought has passed through my mind latley.
Which makes me very happy.

But what if i cant do it?

You say you love me.
You say you want to be together forever.
You leave me.
You break my heart.
You go to him.

We fight.
We yell.
We cry.
We say hirtful things.
You tell me to "go extinct"
I cut because of you.
I cry.

And now...
You wanna still be friends.
You tell me you need me.
You now say you need me,
That you want to be best friends.

What if i fall bac in love with you?
What if i want to be with you again?
What happens when you break my heart again.
I dont know if i could do it.

You love me? Stop lying bitch.

I hate my father.
This is repeative, seeing as i have blogged about this time and time before.
But today has been the final straw.
I got yelled at for wanting to use colored pencils.
Yes, im telling the truth.
 My sister had new colored pencils for a project.
I asked to use them.
First my mother wouldnt shut up yelling at them.
Then when my father heard,
Every time i tried to talk he yelled shut up.
I hate my parents.
My mother is a contrdictive bitch
She tells me she feels like me wanting to kill myself was her fault.
Then she yells at screams at me over god damn colored pencils.
The only time my father talks to me is right when he gets home,
He says hello.
And when hes yelling at me.
So now i sit in my room and cry.
I want to die.
That damn razor is missing.
I sold my ciggerates.
But hey,
Theres always tommorow.
Or mabe there wont be.
I dont know anymore.

17 going on 117

I sit here sick.
I have been up all night sick as a dog.
Ill be kind and save you the details.

But i convinced my mother to let me miss school.
So that was a plus.

Well....Im lonley.

Happy 17th kassandra(:

Now its over.

So i have good news and bad..
Not really news,
Just updates to my life.

Good or bad first?
Ill go with good.

Good!
I am kinda sorta moving on from gaby.
I am doing things to help myself.
It may be childish, but i dont care.
I packed up everything that was from our realshinshp.
Put it in a box.
And i am writing her a letter saying everything i ever wanted to say.
I deleted her number from my phone,
I deleted her as a friend on FB,
I shall be moving on.

Bad:
My cousin stood me up.
My uncle says im a lying murderer.

I wish people could love me...
You know?
Well how are you my followers?

ABSOLUT

This wont be long,
More of an update.
I am loving my break.
Tonight,
If my cousin will hurry up,
I shall go get slightly intoxicated.
The other night we got high,
But tonight i feel like drinking.
So why my cousins drink,
I shall drink.
I shall drink so vodka and cranberry juice.
Maybe smoke a little bit,
Ciggs not weed.
Mabe alittle weed.
Well i am off,
I have to go get ready.

M*A*S*H

Little brown line,
Cover my legs.
Little pink lines,
On my arms.
Memories that will be here forever.
But mabe, I want them to go away.
Memories of that razor.
Memories of that knife.
Memoreis of my sadness.
Memories of my teenage years.

My suicidal thoughts come and go these days.
Somedays im here to stay,
Others im ready to go.

Im here to stay when things like,
My cousin invites me to go get high.
Not like im a drug addict,
But like he thought to invite me.

Im ready to go when people ditch me for other people.
Or I remind them we were supposed to hang out,
So they invite another person.

I love the little moments in life when all you want to do is sing.
Or you are sitting in the same place,
Watching the same thing,
With the same people,
Not in a routine way.
But in the, this is good.
I like this way.
When ever i go to my grand fathers we sit and watch old western movies.

I love it.

And Elephants never forget.

I have never been the favorite of anything.
Im the kid who gets dragged along.
Picked last.
Invited himself.
Im the kid who you would rather be with someone else,
But your with me because there is no one else.
You cant just hang out with me,
You have to invite someone else along.
I feel like i dont matter.
Because you know,
to My hero,
I lost my place as his favorite.
My Grandfather,
Charlie Tarleton,
Is a pretty amazing guy.
He has won about every boy scout award you can win.
And has always supported me.
And given me little Boy scout memorbilia.
And truthfully,
I thought i was the favorite.
But then i realized that Cody, my cousin,  is the favorite.
When we were little my grandfather told me and my cousin he would give me this special knife when we turned 13.
Lets see when my cousins recived theres.
Tad:12
Cody:10
Sam:14
When my cousins got theres, he said how proud he was.
When i got mine,
He said i gave them one i guess i have to give you one.
My cousins have always recived.....different treatment then me.
My grandfather bought my cousins both swords.
Did i get one?
No.
I never really asked for much,
But when i do its for small things.
I wish for once, it was about me.
I guess i was never the favorite.
I used to think i was.
But, I was wrong.
As always.

mabe next year, only 365 days till i change my ways

So here's the thing,
I don't feel like I deserve to live.
I sit here in the car on my way to georgia
I feel like its hot but cold. I listen to my ipod listening to random music.
Realtimg to it.
My head aches.
I need her but she is his.
Fml

Christmas tree, oh christmas tree

Merry Christmas my lovley followers.
For startes,
For my christmas present I would like each of you to comment and say hello.
Just let me know what you think of my life.

Secondly,
I had the worst Christmas Eve of my life.
1)I got in a fight with Gaby.
2)I got drunk, that wasnt bad. But later that night i continued to throw up.
ALL night.
3)I got into a wreck.

My godfather let me borrow his car.
I was going to fast on a turn,
Hit the curb.
Went over the curb into the other road.
Cars swurved.
I blew a tire.
I dont concider that a wreck,
But my sister tells everyone i wrecked.

Other then that,
My life has been okay.
I have had a great christmas.
And i am now lwaving to go to the fine state of Georgia,
To see my family.
If i dont get a chance to blog by then,
Have a happy new year(:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

I am a lazy,
Lying,
Annoying,
Dissapointment.
Or,
At least thats what my family tells me.
It is Christmas eve and i am wanting to jump off a bridge.
Gabs hurt me again.
She was gonna come back but she just led me on the let me down
I just wish she would understand me.
Get me.
Love me. Not lead me on then take me down.

You know?
She disappointed me.
I thought she was better then this.
Better the breaking someones heart,
When she knows exactly how it feels.
But this,
Has to be worst then what she felt.
She left me for another guy,
A guy i hate.

Tyler R. Canada December 24 at 1:57am Report


Hey Sam. You probably don't care to hear from me right now, but oh well. :P
Look, I understand that you're not happy with how things have turned out, but you can't expect to be happy all the time now can you?
I don't particularly like you, but I can honestly say that I care about you. You can accuse me of lying all you want, but it's true. I wouldnt be up at 2am typing this message if I didnt.
I know things arent easy, but you've got to hang in there and be strong.
You may not realize it, but every time you give in to the pain, it hurts Gaby that much more.
She's strong, but she's fragile. Especially when it comes to the seeing the people she cares about in pain.
You probably dont think she cares, but she does. More than you know.
She gets so upset because of the things you say to her about what you want to do to yourself. She starts crying and panicing.
She cares immensely.
It seems the people that you least suspect of caring are the ones that care the most.
Believe me when I say, all this shit that's going on now will pass with time. You've just got to try to keep your head and regain at least the tinyest sense of hope.
Dont give into the pain. That's exactly what it wants you to do.
Show the bitch who's boss!
Don't do it for me. Do it for Gaby and for yourself.
She's got faith in you, man.
Dont let her down.

Thats what he sent me when he found out he won gaby.
So i replied with,

Sam Tarleton December 24 at 2:45am
I understand you are being nice and i appericate it,
But truthfully,
After i get my zippo back and give her all our stuff,
Im done.
She made out with me 3 times while going out eith you.
Once in which we ended up naked in a bathroom stall.
She told me she lovedme.
She kissed me,
She told me she was coming back.
Then she does this.
I dont care if she is strong enough for this or not.
When you make choices there are things that folow.
And by leading me on,
And then hurting me,
These are the consiquences she has to follow.
And why would i do it for gaby?
She told me her being suicidal was my fault.
She toldme i basically raped her the past 8 months.
So you know what?
I dont care if i let her down.
She let me down.
What goes around comes around.
Tell her to keep herself and her ashely crap away from me.
If she wont help me i wont help her.

I probaly sounded like an ass,
But you know what?
She broke my heart.
And she doesnt seem to care.

From The North Caronlina Department of Motor Vehicles

9 days ago i went to the DMV and got my permit.
I am now allowed to drive a car on the road with a parent in the car.
Out of the last 9 days,
I have gotten to drive 3 times.
My mother wont take me because her nerves cant handle it.
My father wont take me because he doesnt feel like it,
Only my godparents will take me.
That is only the start of why my mother and father are turning into my worst enemies.
Though my mother knows that i want nothing more then to just drop dead,
She still yells at me all the time.
All she does is blame me,
Laugh at me,
Yell at me,
Shes killing me.
Whenever she yells i bite my lip.
Literally.
I bite really hard.
Its my way of cutting in front of her.
She may not notice it.
It may not be that bad.
But its all i can do to stop my self from killing her.
From going insane,
Hell. Its to late for that.
Ive aalready lost it,
I used to be a perky person.
I always made a presence.
Or at least that is what i am told.
But now,
I dont want to be noticed.
I just want to slip into the backk ground
Why has this changed took place?
I was told at Speak Out that depression most likely runs in the family.
My Great-Grandfather killed himself.
My Uncle attempted suicide.
My mother has been on anti-depressents.
She tells me none of this is my fault.
That its genetic.
But i dont think so.
My life is falling apart.
The love of my life left me.
Went to him.
We are now best friends.
But wait!
Shes leaving and going to another school.
I feeli like my friends are drifting.
My grades are slipping.
My life is not what it used to be.
I feel like im not worth it any more.

Reality strikes a cord.

What i thought was a good day,
Suddently goes astray.
My mother once was on my side.
But that was never to last.
She know i want to die.
She knows the thoughts that i think.
But yet when my sister makes fun of me.
She doesnt do a thing.
Actually let me change that,
She ndoes do something.
She makes fun of me also.
Then when i rebut,
She yells at me.
And tells me to go up stairs.
To get away from her.
Now i sit in my room.
In the corner of my bed.
Crying.
Looking for my razor.
Wondering where my lighter is.
Thinking of my camel crush.
Oh wait,
I hear a noise.
Oh,
Thats just my familiy down stairs.
Making fun of me.
Oh how i want to die.
I want these thoughts to go away.
I want to be away from this world.
I want these people to go away.
I dont want to be a bother any more.
I want to go away.
Why is my life like this?
Why am i so alone?
I only love certain people.
I only love certain things.
Why.
Why is my life like this.
Why do i want to die?
Its 5:57pm.
December 22, 2009.
I am 15 years old.
And i am ready to die.

Color My life with the Choas of Trouble

Im really glad we did this.
I love these pancakes.
Your still my bestfriend.

I am currently watching [500] Days of Summer.
So far, Its the story of my life.
I am currently at Day 4.
This is where Summer and Thomas first meet.
They sit in and elevator,
Listening to music.
Summer attempts to sing a little.

Day 8
Summer and Thomas talk during a party.
This is where they start to slightly flirt.
This is where thomas really starts to like her.

Day 154
Thomas relizes,
He is truly in love with summer.
He lists everything that makes him in love with summer.
She makes him feel like life is worth it.

Thats only the begining of the movie.
Ill let you watch it to see the rest.
Its amazaing.
Its the best story.

Well,
This is one of my less depressing blogs...
Life has been good latley.
I still have been having those thoughts.
But overall,
Ive been okay(:

Hoarders

I had the most amazing night.
I went to Speak Out tonight.
And there was only one other person there besides me tonight,
That is due to the fact that there is 5 inches of snow on the ground,
And that traffic was a mess.
But it was still fun.
I told my story.
And i talked.
And talked.
And told them everything.
I told them everything under the sun.
And it felt good.
I just talked.
And she asked questions.
And i would tell them stroies.
And explain how i felt.
And then we would talk about school.
Stresses.
And then it was over,
I went outside,
Walked around the mall for a total of 5 minutes.
My sister went to go see her boyfriend in some parking lot.
They madeout.
And i stole her car and drove around.
I would go sixty then hit the brek.
It was soooo fun.
Well i got my permit in the mail today(:
That wraps up todays blog...

Brooke and Delany

Number of Facebook friends: 370.
Number of "Friends" online: 43
Number of people online that i talk to on a regular day: 5
Number of people im talking to: 0

Isnt that funny?
Out of 370 "friends" 43 are online.
And i dont want to talk to any of 43,
Is none.
Well about 75% of the people online are i met them one time,
At that one persons house.
And then we are friends on Facebook.
I get friends requests on a daily.
But most of those people jsut add me cause we have mutual friends.
Yeah "friends"
Cause most likely,
Our mutal "friend",
I dont talk too.
But what ever,
Whats the harm in haveing those people there?

On a random note...
Does anyone know where you can get cool backgrounds for your blog?
I want to redo my blog.

Call me Mr. Flinstone, Cause i can make your Bed-Rock(:

In my last blog, i said how horrible my mother was.
Because i thought she didnt care that i was suicidal.
But i take back everything i said.
2 hours after i originally told her,
We talked.
She told me she loves me.
And not to think of that as a soultion.
And that we would get me help.
Cause you know what.
I need help.
My life is in a down hill slope.
Will it become more hopefull?
Will my life go up hill?
Only time will tell.
Today i spent the day driving around town,
Loading boxes.
Unloading boxes.
And going out to eat.
I spent the day going to 2 resturants.
Going to church.
Thinking.
The whole day i thought about everything under the sun.
My god-father let me drive his car.
I had one of my good days.
Tommorow should be a good day also.
I am going to go to this thing called,
Speak Out.
Its a program in our city,
Like a support group for depressed teens.
And as pathetic as it sounds,
Im excited about going.
Its a place where i can talk.
Mabe it will go well,
We can hope.

C.S.

The sounds of Desperate House Wives if our background music.
"Mom, we need to talk."
"What about?"
"I need to go to the doctor"
"Why?"
"I have been thinking about suicide for the past couple of weeks and i want to get help before i do something stupid."
"Okay"

I told my mom i wanted to kill my self today.
She acted as though she didnt care.
My own mother.
Who has been depressed before.
Didnt care that i wanted to die.
At that very moment i was going to kill myself.
But i decided not to.
Someone talked me out of it,
Though they had no idea they were.
The fact that my mother didnt care, bothers me,
Later tonight im going to go talk to her.
Ill keep you posted.

World History

Its weird to think people have been around for centuries.
For millions of years.
Over those million years have people felt the same emotions?
Did the cave men feel depressed?
Did king Arthur cut himself?
Did the virgin mary ever want to give up?
Or are all these things a new, modern day thingsV
Am I just a stastic?
That years from now people will look at.
Mabe write a paper on.
"Suicide Rates Over the Years"
"Self Mutlation overthe Years"
I'm your next paper topic.
I have to go.
I'm in world history.
And I must go read about mesoamerica

[b]Kassandra.[/b]

Today me and Gaby were supposed to meet at the park,
Talk,
Smoke,
Figure things out.
We were supposed to meet at 4.
We get out of school late so i get their at 4:15.
I sit there till 5.
Waiting.
She calls at 5 and says Hey i cant go anymore.
We changed our plans.
Canada is coming here instead,
Well i couldnt go home,
My mom didnt expect me home till almost 6.
And would know something was up if i came home early.
So i had to sit in the park.
For ANOTHER hour.
Alone....
Half crying.
Because i couldnt stop thinking about how horrible my life was.
I smoked 3 ciggerates.
Cut 6 times.
And sat in the frezzing cold..
Crying.
Now i sit her.
Blood soaking through my boxers from the cuts.

I thiink i half clinical depression.
Because looking at my life,
No huge event has happened that has made me upset.
I want to get help so bad.
But im scared.
Scared my parents will get mad.
And i dont know.
Im not worth helping.
I mean gaby goes on about haveing Ashely in her head.
And about how she is always sad.
And makes me feel like my pain doesnt matter because she is sadder,
I just wish, for once,
Someone would help me.
Get me the help i need.
Mr. Whitmer,
Please ask me if im depressed again.
Mabe my anwser will change.

Blackberry

I'm at rjr high school.
Waiting for her.
Cause we need to talk.
Waiting to talk about everything

Lets play a love game

Love.
What a complicated thing.
God damn my life.
I want Gaby back more then anything.
But i dont think shell take me back.
Which kills me on the inside.
I dont htink ill ever be able to get over her.
I mean i bought her a promise ring.
A ring that promises ill be with her.
But she left me.
And the night after she breaks up with me she says all i wanted was a promise ring.
And i told her i had one.
But she was like oh damn.
So FML.

Well my teacher keeps asking me if im depressed.
I want to tell him yes so bad.
Mabe get some help.
But thatll never happen.
I wish he would figure it out.
And talk to me.
Or someone would get me help.
I wish i had a gaurdian angle.
Who would come save me.
But thats not coming.

I think of suicide now on a regular baisis.
No body ever asks me how are you?
Sure in smalltalk they do.
But i mean a real, sam are you okay?
I guess if i knew someone cared id be okay.

I feel like my best friends are slipping away from me.
Gaby doesnt love me,
I think shes not coming to my party for a reason.
Tamriage has been takeing gabs side on everything.
Hell read this and get mad but you know what?
He needs to know
Lexi is Lexi.
And by that i mean it in a very positive matter.
Like shes the one i dont think is leaveing me,
I feel like shes here and shell be here for me.
I hope im write.

I have a pen pal(:
Kinda...
Its by email...
But its to turtle!

Dicimbre or something of the same

Tonight is poker night.
My father and i go to this random house,
Play poker,
The adults drink,
Me and the other two sons who go only get water or another non-alchoalic drink.
I occasionaly steal some liquor.
But anyways...
Its a fun night.
Its one of those nights where i forget all of my resentemens towards my dad,
I love it.

Suicide cam through my mind yet again today.
I think i shall OD on the eve before my birthday.
Mabe not to kill me.
But to knock me out.
I dont know.
Mabe i do want to die.
Mabe i dont.
Thoughts?

Would you kill yourself?
Can you imagine doing it?
Can you see your self in 5 years?

Emails and Lesibians

Latley,
L:ife has been intresting.
Turtle emailed me(:
And i started following a bunch of really cool new blogs.
But its also been hard.
My teacher asked me if i was depressed today.
I think i am clincally depressed.
But im scared to tell my parents.
Cause when they found out i cut i was told i was mello dramatic.
Goddddd.
I hate my life.
Latley,
I have grown to resent my father.
He is a intresting man...
I love the man to death.
But i have seemed to resent him more and more latley.
He never spends time with me.
He goes to every one of my sisters soccer practices.
In his eyes, My sisters come first.
He became the assiant scout master of my troop to spend more time with me.
He hasnt been to a meeting in 3 months.
I ran for the highest postion in our troop to please him,
He never said congratualtions or good job.
Only critiques.
This in turn has made me grown to resent scouting.
My father also doesnt get me.
To him,
Your supposed to be that athletic,
Smart, All around perfect kid.
I dont do sports.
I make lots of C's.
And i make tons of mistakes.
He makes mistakes too.
Like everynight my mother cries herself to sleep because of him.
He doesnt beat her.
He doesnt verbal abuse her.
He ignores her.
And is sort of mean to her.
Which makes me belive that they are getting a divorce.
My mother told my sister to try just living with my father.
And the way they act latley,
They arent staying together.
Which would make me sad...
But would also make me happy.
Because then my mother would be happy.
But do understand.
I love my father,
He just isnt a bareable person.

This Dead End Life...

Suicide: the deliberate taking of one's own life, Depending on the time and place, it may be regarded as a heroic deed or condemned by religious and civil authorities.

Deliberate act of taking ones life.

• Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 79.4% of all U.S. suicides
• 14.5% of students, grade 9-12, seriously considered suicide in the previous 12 months (18.7% of females and 10.3% of males).
• 6.9% of students reported making at least one suicide attempt in the previous 12 months (9.3% of females and 4.6% of males).

People commit suicide everyday.
Every 16 minutes somone shoots themselves.
Poisions themselves.
Suffacates themselves.
I tried to kill myself last summer.
When i got home from camp.
I tied a rope to a tree and attepmted to suffacate myself.
I wanted it to look like a accident.
But it didnt work.
And i heard my moms car pull up so i hid the rope.
Its still somewhere in my yard.
I want to die.
As depressing as that sounds my life hasslipped away from me.
My favorite teacher askes me every other day..
"Sam..Whats wrong? Latley you have been depressed? I want to help you."
I tell him nothing is wrong and i have justed been stressed.
I just dont know anymore.
No one seems to care anymore.
My best friend thought i was mad at him alll day.
When in reality..
I was thinking about suicide.
I have been considering killing myself all day.
All day.
No body seems to really care.
If i left i could be replaced.
Im just another kid.
But thats what they see.
They see the kid who seems to be okay.
But in reality...
My legs are covered in cuts.
My room doors are locked cause i want to be alone.
I move quickly from one class to the next because i want the day to be over.
I dont know.
What do you think Caroline Lee?
You see me everyday.
You secrety read my blog.(no im not mad about that.)
How do i look at school?

Bookstore, Cafe, and More

I thought i was winning her back.
We had talked.
I kissed her on saturday.
And she kissed me back.
She said she still loves me.
But she likes him,
She told me that she would tell me December 31 what her desion would be.
I told her no.
I couldnt and wouldnt wait that long.
I wasnt going to wait for her to deside who she likes going out with more.
It wasnt fair.
So today is the day i told her i needed to know by.
So when we where at mayberries for our friends party...
And i asked her to go outside with me..
I thought she would defiently tell me she chose me.
But she didnt.
She barley talked at all.
And so it was quite.
So i leaned it to kiss her.
Because i dont know why, but i thought it was that kind of moment.
But when i reached in...
She turned her head.
Then said she needed to go inside.
So we both walked to the corner.
She turned to go back inside.
I sat down.
She asked me what i was doing.
I lied and said my sister was coming to get me.
I sat at the corner for 20 minutes.
Staring at the "Masters Loft Book Store."
Thinking.
Wondering.
A lady walked up and asked me if i was okay,
If i wanted to go inside with her to get warm,
I said i was fine.
I was lieing.
I wanted to text my friends.
And tell them.
But all i do is have breakdown after breakdown.
And i didnt want to bother them.
We had a fun weekend together and i didnt want to ruin the ending.
They stayed at my house almost all day yesterday.
Me and lexi got drunk(:
Tam didnt.
But thats okay...
They made out in my bed.
Which was a bummer cause i didnt have anyone to makeout with.
But thats okay.
Ive made out infront of them before.
So...
FML...
Ill keepyou posted on the Me and Her story if you want...
If your tired of it just say so.

Richard

So...
Love...
Fuck it,
Im in love and she left me.
For him...
She didnt know though.
I got her a promise ring.
A freaking promise ring.
Like a ring promiseing i would love her forever and i would always be here.
She knows i got it for her...
And she got upset.
And i was gonna give it to her today.
Today is our anversery.
And shes going out with her boyfriend.
While i stay at home and cut.
And cry,
And smoke.
I hate life.
Gah...
There a rumor going arouns school that i hooked/was gonna hook up
With this guy.
And i want to kill myself.
No one would care.
In two minutes people are going to comment and say i would care.
But if i killed my self who would it really phase?
I have only 2 friends.
One stands up for me no matter what,
And i love her to death...
But she could make new friends.
The other one is amazing.
And listens..
But idk,
He seems to be drifting these days.

I got a boyfriend who makes me feel like a princess

FML
FML
FML
FML
Did I mention FML?
Gaby left me...
Ive cut more then ever.
And deeper and deeper.
Hopefully itll kill me.
So here are my break up phases.
Btw these arent my feelings now...
This is since the breakup.

1)Anger.
Fuck Love
like she left me and like 3 days later she has a new boyfriend?
Like really?
I hate Tyler R. Canada.

2)Resement.
I didnt need her any way.
Im better off.

3)Denial.
We arent over...Were just taking a break.

4)Hopful.
Were gonna get back together.
She told me she still loved me.(:

5)Dissapoinment/Hurt.
She goes out with him.
The one boy i feared id lose her too.
I read her blog.
Thats where the title comes from.
Whats hurts the most about the lines is i used to call her my princess.
And she would say i was her prince charming.
Corny.
But still.
And then she says: I got a boyfriend who makes me feel like a princess
Fuck my life.
The line under the princess comment  basically says
"I got an ex boyfriend who is still in love with me
(ouch? you ask. Yes kind of, but its nice to know someone gives a damn and can fogive you after so much shit)"
So baiscally shes glad i strill love her...
But only cause she knows someone loves her.
I cried and ancried.
I cut and cut.
But i have to be a big boy.
Keep a smile on my face.
And when im around her act like inm not dieing on the inside.

2012

Today is Monday November 23,2009.
The time: 4:31pm.
Locations: My bed room.
Emotion: Pain.
Every one in our school tells my girlfriend to break up with me.
That im not good enough.
Im not.
So i have been thinking about death latley.
If i die, heres what i want to be known.
So here is my last Will and Testment.

This is the Last will and Teastment of Samule Bowden Tarleton.
To start, i wish to apologize to any one who is slightly effected by my death.

I wish to say good bye to the following people.

Cody Michale Allen-
I know we fight, i know the last thing i said too you was mean.
But im sorry. I love you. You are my cousin and i will always love you.
We have been best friends since we were little. And im always thankful for the happy
summers i have spent in Barnesville.

Tad Tarleton-
You are my hero. I come to you for advice all the time. I love you.
I rarley see you but i try to talk to you whenever possible.
You are my hero and im sorry.
I know this isnt going by your adivce of maning up.
But i did the best i could.

Benjamen and Spencer Evans-
You are so little and have so much ahead of you.
My adive to you is keep your head up,
Keep trudgeing up the mountain.
I love you guys.

Tamriage Martin-
We have never really been close until this year.
You have become my best friend.
The only real best friend i have ever had.
You are probaly thinking pothetic but thats okay.
You are a inspiration and you are going to go far in life.
You will always win (:

Lexi Ruben Moore-
I know you hate me by now.
But i enjoyed every moment we hung out.
You are amazing.
Dont listen to other people.
You are an amazing peroson.
Tamriage is lucky yo have you.

Jasmine Huff-
Thank you.
Thanks for every single one of our talks.
Every sexuality talk,
Every realshinship talk,
Every whos hotter talk.
I love you.
Keep drawing and taking pictures.

Mom and Dad-
Im sorry im not the son you wanted.
Im sorry i dissapointed you.
And im sorry i ruined your life mom.
Im soryr i was born.

To my sisters-
Dont tun out like me.
Its not worth it.

Gaby-
Sorry for everything.
I loved you.
I hope you love me.

Kassandra-
I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvve you!
Sorry this is late this was supposed to be a draft thern i hit post :/
Well you are ab amazing perosn.
Yopu dont think so, but everyone else does.
Kassandra we love you.
Keep strong.

Where were you..

Where were you?
When everything was falling apart.
Im falling apart.
Piece by piece.
No body cares.
Im here alone.
Why i havent blogged in a while?
Because when i have free time ive been crying about my life.
My life is in hell.
Im here alone breaking into 1,000,000 pieces.
And no one is willing to pick them up.
Im supposed to be supportive.
Im supposed to help people out.
But were is my shoulder to cry on.
I try to talking to certain people but they always make it seem like my problems dont matter.
That they are worse off.
I strated cutting again.
I toild my cousin tad.
He told me i was a pussy and to grow up.
I stgarted smoking again.
And i balled my self up in the corner of my bathroom today.
And smoked.
And cried.
My whole family was outside putting up lights on our bushes.
A "tradtional family activity."
And no one told me.
And when i went outside,
My sister started a argument with me.
My dad said nothing was wrong till i went outside and to go back inside,
And "be misreable like i always am."
This is the same man who when he found out i cut he said i was trying to be mello dramatic.
I hate my life.
Im tired of this.
I want to die.
But no one cares.
I could text everyone in my phone and say im going to kill my self.
And no one would care.
Why would they?
Im a piece of shit.
God i want to die.
My mother doesnt care.
She never says i love you too me.
The only time she does is when i cry cause she yells at me for nothing.
And she says you know i love you more then anything.
Which is a lie.
She doesnt love me at all.
And its okay.
I love her.
I love my father.
I love my sisters.
The only person who ever kind of got me was my cousin cody or my cousin tad.
Cody recently tried to get my girlfriend to send him nude pictures.
And tad doesnt get me.
im in my room alone.
My razor is in its spot.
Waiting for me.
The only thing to ever wait for me.
The only thing i have.
Cause i have other things.
But i dont matter to them.
God help me.
God help me make it through.
This week is thanks giving break.
This tuesday i have to drive to Georgia.
Put on a fake smile.
And pretend im okay.
When all of my realtives ask me "how are you?"
Ill lie and say "im great, you?"
Ill smile and move on.
Then ill want to go secretly smoke.
But i wont be able too.
Help me?

Run baby Run.

So sorry for my depressing blogs latley...
Thats been my life.
But today got better.
Alot better.
Well not really till 5 minutes ago.
Where i had some sort of break down.
But like a good one.
I was on my bed on FB typing a paper...
Then Skyway evenue came on but we the kings...
And i randomly wanted to move.
So i put my laptop on the floor.
Kicked all the covers to the gorund.
And started jumping.
I jumped around dancing to the song.
Singing.
Then when it was over i stood for a minute...
Then Check yes juliet came on.
So i danced to that.
Then do you remeber by jack johnson came on...
Thats not a dancing song.
Then right now it got really bad.
Im on the phone with this girl.
And she is going to kill her self.
Let it be known i love her.
She is my life.
I do everything with her.
If she goes i go.
And both our decembers wont come again.

Sam by day....Me by night.

You think i am but im not.
I go to school.
Most of the time in t shirt and jeans.
Nothing special.
I used to try to look good.
Nice shirt...
Striaghtened hair.
I looked alright.
But no one cared
So now im sam.
And most of them probaly dont know the real me.,
I wear glasses.
But the make my eyes look huge so i got contacts.
Im ugly.
I dont know.
Im tired of not being me.
You see they see the sam tarleton at school.
The one who does okay in school...
but he never asks any questions...
Cause he hates people staring at him and thinking im dumb.
Im the one whos thigh always is in pain.
Cause of the cuts.
Im the one who has a best friend.
But isnt anyones best friend.
Im the one who people say they hate.
Even though they dont know me.
Im the one who is chosen last.
Im the one who loves being at school.
Not because i love to learn,
But i hate being at home.
Im the one who crys.
All the time.
The one who sits in the corner in his bathroom crying.
Cutting his leg.
Im the one who is bleeding at this very moment.
Cause he cut him self 8 times today.
I cut 9 yesterday.
and 6 the day before.
23 cuts on me.
A record.
One not to be proud of....
But im not the only cutter...
I have a friend.
Who i can talk about anything with.
Well not anything.
But cutting wise i can.
I have anotther who i can talk about sexual orientaion issues with.
I have one last friend....
Who listens to me with everything i say.
But once i say one secret.
They treats me different.
I dont know.
This is me.
During the day i look okay.
But at night...
Thats when i become the real me.
Take me or leave me?
Thats your choice.

P.Law

Do you have a place?
Where you feel safe.
Where you feel like you belong.
Like you feel part of something.
You feel like you are something.
You feel loved.
You feel welcome.
For me that place is
Epiphany Lutheran Church.
I start going there with my godparents last year.
My parents dont go to church.
So we never did as a fmaily.
But one sunday last year i went with my godparents.
And i ahev ever since.
I dont go every sunday.
I go about once a month.
Sometimes 2-3.
Depends if my godparents can come get me.
But when i go i love it.
I looke around and see all the people.
I love our pastor.
Her name is Pastor Laura Wind.
We call her P.Law.
Or Pastor Laura.
The firstg week i met her i introduced my self.
And ever since she has remeber my name.
I have seen this lady thru the best and worst.
Last year she had major surgury.
And i went to the hospital to vist her.
She looked rough.
And you could tell she didnt feel good.
But she was still amazing.
This church is where i belong.
Today this lady came up to me,
I have never actually met her in my laugh.
But i see her every week.
And she came up and sai,
You ahve grown so tall and handsome since you started coming here last year.
I was amazed.
I love this.
Sorry i never wanted to turn this into a religous blog.
But like....
I just wanted to put that out there.

Facebook.com/honda

Im a addict.
At least thats what they tell me.
But im not.
I smoke 2 ciggerates a week.
I havent cutt in a month,
Yet im dieing too.
I mabe have smoked weed 5 times.
And i in life...
I have no idea what im doing.
Im lost.
Is there a map somewhere?
Telling us where to go,.
And how to get there.
Cause if so.
I need to get it.
Cause i  have 4 real friends

Tamriage Martain.
Lexi Ruben Moore
Jasmine Huff
Gaby Mena

God im a loser.
I have a stupis blog where i write down my thoughts
my hopes
my dreams
my fears,
And i dont know yall.
Did you know that i am alone
And i dont know aht to do.?

God this blog is so random.

Trouble in Paradice? Fuck you.

My sister is queen bee.
She is enrolled in RReynolds High School.
She is in 10th grade.
Has pleanty of friends.
Goes to all the parties.
Is perfect.

Her brother isnt.
He is a fat,
Depressed,
Cutitng,
Bi sexual,
loser.

My sster came home crying cause a boy wouldnt go to a dance with her.
I wanted to scream.
People, much less girl, have never liked me.

Can i get a Angus cheeseburger....with extra turttle...

So....
To start i have a question...
Do people even read my blog anymore?
Cause i used to get at least 2-3 comments on everyblog...
But latley i havent got any.
So if you do read it...
Comment!
I mean you dont have to....
But it was help put me out of my insanity :)
Im like going crazy wondering where everyone is.
Like no one has been bloging latley.
Besides the all wonderfull Kassandra.

Secondly...
How was everyones halloween?
Mine was good,
I was a doctor.
Except i almost got caught with ciggerates...

Third....
I have not cut in a total of....
17 days!
Ahaha!
I kinda want to....
But since i picked up smoking again...
I cut down...
Truthfully id rather smoke then cut anyways...

Now for blogging...
Cause that up there...
That wasnt blogging.
I was updates.
And i hate update blogs.
I mean like some ones are good.
Like Kassandras.
She says something like...
"I went to the plaza with becky"
Then shell be like...
"But my emotions were running wild when i saw his face."
Both of those were totaly made up....
And really poorly written.
But shes a good blogger.
I read her blog alot.
Damn this has turned into a kassandra blog!
Ahahaha well...
ill wrtie something to all my followers...

Angus:
How are you? You have not blogged in a while...I miss your posts.
They are witty and fun to read.
Yet so down to earth.
And i have a question...and you might not remeber the anwser.
But one time you called me a "inspiration: in a comment.
Why am i a insperation?

Turttle:
You need to blog now.
Like now.
I miss your blogs!
And btw....in one of my blogs i mentioned wanting a pen pal...
You said it was odd.
It is odd isnt it?
But i want one.

Kassandra:
No matter what you anwser on facebook...
Im the most attractive person you know!

Aria:
Not to sound rude...
Like this is totally like a for real question...
but..
Who are you?
Like where are you from?
Why dont you have a blog your self?
And why do you read my blog?
Like that wasnt ment to sound rude...

Lindsey:
I love LOLocaust.
Like it is witty...(i like the word witty)
Well written.
Has a point.
And is a very good read.
Even thou you say fuck men!
But you made a very good point with that blog.
Diseny does leave the impression in little girls minds.

Tamriage:
Hey!
Hows lexi!
Blog more damn it!