I flicked my bic cause it needed to be flicked.

Flcik my bic.
Thats what it says on the side of my lighter.
Today i layed in my bed almost all day.
Until 5:32pm.
Thats when i looked out the window.
Relized it was fall.
The leaves were changing.
And I was missing it.
So i but on some jeans.
Put on my blue abercrombie jacket.
Went barefoot.
So i went down stairs.
So i grabbed 3 of my mothers ciggerates.
Went out side.
And leaned against a tree.
And lite the first ciggerate i have had in 2 months.
And leaned against the tree and smoked.
Then i acciendently dropped the ciggerate.
And it broke.
So i stood up, and got another one.
Then i walked around my back yard.
Saw the dead grass.
The dead grass where the tent was.
The tent i slept in this summer.
We left it up all summer.
And me, my cousin, and whoever came over,
Would sleep out there.
Thats also where we go caught.
And got in huge trouble.
For smoking a joint.
So i walked over to that spot.
Layed down.
And lit my second ciggerate.
And i started into the sky.
Analyizing everything.
I saw flocks of birds go by.
I heard dogs bark.
I was at peace.
Then i lit ciggerate 3.
Did the same.
Then after i finished that one.
I layed in the grass.
And watched the sky.
I closed my eyes.
And sat there.
Then i went in side.
Got 2 more ciggerates.
And layed there.
But this time i found a volley ball.
So i picked it up.
And used it to put my head on.
As i smoked i watched the smoke float away.
I watched my breath get darker with every puff.
I took drag after drag off those ciggerates.
Thinking.
Thinking about this summer.
Thinking about life.
Thinking about what i woul do different.
Thinking about the things i would never change.
Thinking about everything.
It was amazing.
Marbolo light 100's can save a guys life.
Peronally,
I like Camel Menthols better,
But you use what you have.
You become happy.
Then you go up to your room to blog about it.
The only reason im not still out there?
It got dark.
And i heard a hobo.
(I live infront of railroad tracks)

I need help.
so i made a new header for my blog,
but im not sure if i want to use it... which one do u like better?
The one i have.
Or...
The one above

Who will love me for me?

Who?
Who loves the fat kid who doesnt have any friends?
Who loves the weird kid who hooked up with the "weird not black" girl?
Who loves the kid who cuts himself?
But hasnt in 12 days?
But is dieing to.
Who gets really upset about the little things?
But stays calm in the big problems?
Who loves the kid who is scared of scary movies.
Who every afternoon just stays in his room
Whos family doesnt love him.
Who is scared.
Scared no one will ever love him.
Scared everyone will leave him again.
Scared theyll hate him again.
Scared hell never make friends.
Scared of death.
Scared of suicide.
Scared of fear.
Who will love the kid who doesnt love him self.
Im alone.
Im alone
I hate being alone.
Who will love the alone kid?
I mean i have her.
She has me.
We are together.
Together alone.
She feels alone.
I feel alone.
We are alone.
I probaly dont make since.
I never do.
December comes last.
But im not even sure if December is even coming this year.
Is it?
Or will it just finish last again?
Last place doesnt get a trophie.
No body loves a loser.
So who will love me?
Love me for me?

*this blog was inspired by the song  Love me by, JJ Heller

To be fat like me.

I want to look in the mirror and be happy.
I want to be able to go to the pool and not ne ashamed of my body.
I want to stop being the center of the fat jokes.
I want to not look in the mirror and be asamed.
I want to be able to walk aroud without my shirt on.
I want to be able to fit thru small places.
I want to be able to not get tired easliy.
I want to know that im not the fat kid.
I want to stop lieing to myself by saying i look fine.
I want to to be happy as me.
I want to want to not look like shit all the time.
I want to not have "man boobs"
I want to to lose 50 pounds.
I am 5 feet 8 inches tall.
I weigh 182 pounds.
I am 27.5 on the BMI scale.
Healthy is between 18.5-24.9.
I want to loose 50 pounds.
I want to loose 30 pounds by christmas.
But my overall goal is 50.
I know you probaly dont care...
But if i post this...
It makes me feel like ill actually do it.
Im going to go to the YMCA everyday.
Im going to eat healthy.
Stop buting lunch.
Im going get healthy.
If you care thanks!
If you dont...its okay. Cause this is my goal.
Im going to post once a week about the weight loss goal..
Kinda chick-ish.
But thats okay.

A New Start for My December

So a certain person asked me what does "December comes Last" Mean....
So ill write a blog about it.

So here is my blogging history.
A long time ago in a land far away I wrote in a blog called December Comes Last.
That blog depressed me so i started writing in a new one called A New Start for My December.
But then i stopped blogging.
Then i knew i needed a new blog.
So i remade December Comes Last.

Heres what December Comes Last Means.
What month comes last?
December,
What month was i born in?
December.
Who always comes last in everyones mind?
Me.
In my life, im always last.
When people have parties im never #1 on the invite list.
Hell im almost never on the invite list.
My parents treat me like a second thought.
I have no real friends.
Actually change that.
I have one.
And he reads this blog.
His name is Tamriage Martian.
And hes probaly gonna laugh when he reads this.
Cause we arent close at all.
But he knows everything about me.
Isnt that odd?
We arent close but i tell him everything.
Well back to my story.
Im alone in the world.
And im come last in everyones mind,
So...
December Comes Last.
Im actually thinking of changing my blog name though...
i dont know..
Tell me what you think.

Bitch please

My sisters are mean.
Like i swear one second we will be joking around..the next ill be cutting.
My sister made it a point this morning to tell me i eat to much,
i dont play sports,
and i need to lose weight.

Like i stole my phone and called my girlfriend.
They said they were goiung to tell.
I said if they tell ill bring up some blackmail i have on them.
They said i wouldnt.
Went and told.
I told the blackmail.
So now everyone is grounded for like 1week.
And this is my fault...
Im not sure how but whatever.

So this weekend i went camping :)
But the people i was camping with made sure to tell me im a horrible person.
I was like thanks.
Im trying so hard not to cut.
But no one cares.
No one ever cares.
I mean if i had a bestfriend...
mabe they would care.
But thats dumb..
Who would want to be my best friend...
So this is my worst blog yet.
:( ill write a better one later.

6 days:)

Sorry i havent posted in a while..
i got grounded...
but i would steeal a computer to use...
but my mom now has both in her room.
but my dad is now letting me use this one.

So...
I got this comment on one of my last blogs.
It was anonyomus.
To start, i hate those kinds of comments.
If you are gonna say something, say it.
Dont mask yourself.
It wasnt a mean comment or anything....
It was just so...
Ughhhhhhhh.
I really want to know who wrote it.
Even though i think i now...
Im just trying to deny that she found my blog.
Yeah....
My girlfriend found my blog.
She blogs to...
But we both kinda aggreed not to find eachothers blogs.
Casue the comment...was jsut like somehting shed say.
But what ever.
So it turns out my grades have gone up!
I went from a....
F to C
D to C
C to B
C to B
Yay!
they arent that great...
But hell rhwir better.
So i am proud of my self..
I havent cut in almost a week :)
Im trying to cut down on cutting...
ahah get it?
That was lame...
But w.e.
So i have decided that i neeeeeed a pen pal.
Any takers?

I think, therfore IB

So today was a horribly horrible day.
I go to school, and forgot 2 of my assignments so i had to copy my friend Victoria's...
Whic i do all the time anyway....But still.
You dont get it, well Turtle does :)
IB is a lot of work.
Its pretty bad.
Then i forgot it was my girlfriend and Is one month anniversiry....
So like she told her friend and her friend told everyone...
And then they all made fun .
Even thjough it wasnt any of their buisness.
Now my girlfriend is at her home...
Upset at me.
She cut.
Now i really want to cut.
But i already have to many cuts on my legs.
I cut on my legs and not my arms btw.
Because my parents can see them on my arms.
People cant see my legs.
Well so im about to go cutt....
Like im upset and cant stand it.
Help me.
For the love of god help me.
Im a wreck.
I m a mess.
I dont even know.
I need to cut more then anything.
This blog is taking a unexpected turn but whatever.
Heres the thing.
No one in the world gets me.
Im that odd ball who sits wuth different people every day.
I dont really fit in anywhere.
I sit with my girlfriend and her gay best friend who flirts with me and i get creeeped out.
Im that guy who sat at home while everyone was at that party.
I would have gone.
But i wasnt invited.
I would hang out with them this firday night.
But i wasnt invited.
And im grounded.
Which to me really isnt much.
Because she says i cant go anywhere, but i wasnt going to anyway.
She says i cant call or text people, but i do anyway.
Grounding is mcuh anyway.

Cliche Emo

This blog i would like to dedicate to Turtle, if that is your real name.
If so, thats a amazing name.
If not...Its a cool nick name :)

Well in one comment turtle..commented? she said these three words.
Cliche Emo Kid.
This was not in a bad way...at least i didnt take it like that.
And it inspired this blog.

Cliche Emo Kid in the eyes of Sam Tarleton
Dark haired
Black clothes
Loner

Sam Tarleton the emo kid
Bright clothes,
One thousand after school activities
Babysitter.

When she called me a cliche emo kid i started thinking.
I dont fit the perspective of a emo.
I dont wear any black clothing.
Blondish hair.
Happy at school.
Has some friends.
On the debate team.
And at school...a happy kid...sorta,
Sometimes im happy.
Cause i like school.
Cause its not my house.
Thats why i do after school activites...l
I do enjoy them.
But its mainly to stay away.
I love it.
But hate it.

"To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me"

Favorite part out of Simple Plan's Song Welcome to my Life
Because this is the biography of everyone whos wver cutt.
And its defiently mine.
Seeing as before writing this i cut..yet again
But im  not getting into that...
I cut this time because of something stupid.
Keep in touch?
Write me a letter :)
It would greatly please me.

Elephant gone astray

My followers...
Bad news from here in North Carolina...
My computer is gone...
My grades have made my mother take it away..
Which means less blogging for me.
But ill try when i can...
Now moving on.

Today i cut.
12 times to be exact.
And then i laid in my bed.
Crying.
Then i got in the tub full of hot water.
And turned on my ipod speakers loud.
And screamed to "You found me" by the fray...

Well thats all for now. i hear my mom.
Love you all.

Musik Express

Do you remeber the little things in life that made you happy?
Like that fair ride at the Dixie Classic.
Or cruzing around time in a convertable.
Or juts spending time with your family?


I remeber happiness...Though it seems like a old friend.
You know those old friends...You havent seen in a while?
And they randomly come in your life for a while...But just as fast as the came...
Their gone.
Gone for a while...Not to come back untill next time.


I went to the fair with my dad...2 of my sisters..2 of my godsisters...and my godfather.
I rode this ride with my littlest god sister.
She is 7.
When we were riding it i kept thinking it was dumb...I was ready to go..
But when i looked over at her...I smiled.
Becasue she was so happy.
She was laughing and screaming.
It was amazing,
That kept me fromcutting that day.
I was gonna cut because of school.
But i didnt.
All because of Little Mrs. Zoes Spanos.

Welcome to My life.

Its my fault.
I did it.
I get punished for their mistakes.
I annoy they,
They hate me.
Thats what they tell me every day.
And i cry.
I cry real hard cause they dont know.
They dont know what happens next.
How i walk into my room.
Lock the doors.
Cry.
Cry.
And cry some more.
I cry about how they dont understand me.
I cry because they always blame me.
About how my life is based around theirs.
How im like a after thought to them.
I cry for all of the really small things...
That almost seem isignificant.
The things like buying everyone a pack of gum exceot me.
Or yelling at me for not letting her have my seat.
Or letting everyone else check their facebooks but i cant.
I cry for the big things.
Like always saying its my fault.
Or when i hear them talking baout me.
They dont think i hear, but i do.
They say im a baby.
A emontial reck.
That im a "mello-dramatic freak"for cutting.
I cry for my life.
And how no one seems to love me.
How i am so alone.
How people callme a fag.
How im accused of being homophobic.
How my teacher mistake my voice for a girls.
How i have the biggest secret in the world but i cant tell anyone.
But its okay.
Im fine.
I have my own way of dealing with the pain.
I pick up that razor.
I drag it across my hips.
Or my theighs.
Or even my arms.
And i watch the blood quickly filling.
Coming out.
I sit on the edge of my bed.
And think that its okay,
One day they'll see.
See the pain i go thru everyday.
See the hurt the put me thru.
Theyll say sorry.
Ill pretend to forgive them.
But i cant.
I never can.
Theyve ruined it.
It being my life.
Actually ill thank them.
Because now i know how to treat people.
And my children....
Theyll love me.
Ill love them.
Theyll never feel this pain.
That much i can promise you.

See i dont...know why...

Im going to write my blogs in a different format...tell me what you think.

Life:

I wonderful and horrible right now.

Schools a pain.

Im in love.

Parents are  dssapointed in me.

Making new friends.

Im in love.

Thoughts:

I just cut.

It stings.

She loves me.

I think she does.

She might hate me.

Im finding jesus.

Love:

Gaby

Laughter:

I laugh at the fact that i havent smoked weed in 4 months and people think im a drug addict.

Funny right?

Why:

This part is why i did somehting

It a ceratin somthing

It will be the sam every timne.

If you dont know what it it...you shouldnt know then

Why today? I think she hates me.

Quote of my day:

Fuck what i said, It dont mean shit now.

Kassandra Kid Welcome Back

So thought my first few posts were depressing...this one wont be.
My life is getting back into order.
Im getting people back on my side.
Im back to blogging.
I am doing okay in school.
Im making new friends.
Im in all the drama D:
That ones not good...But true.
Im falling back in love with that same girl.
Shes still in love with me.
We are together.
Happy as we can be.
I have a new follower.
She followed my old blog.
And now is following this.
We got into a big fight a couple months ago,
But im still glad shes back.
Welcome back Kassandra Kid.
The girl who i used to talk to alot with on MSN,
The girl whos blog im ADDICTED to.
The girl who has stopped me from killing my self i dont know how many times.
The girl who  at one point me and gaby and mayte all had a plan to road trip to meet each other.
You have no idea how much blogging means to me.
I wish i could be closer to people.
Like Kassandra kids.
I wish i would get letters in the mail.
That would make me o so happy.
I wish you would write me a letter Kassandra Kid.

Cause I would die for you...On skyway avenue....

Skyway Avenue Bless the Broken Road
Check Yes Juilet
Crushcrushcrush
Do you remember
Fall for you
For a pessmistic, im pretty optimistic
Fuck it
Halllelujah

My playlist.
That playlist.
I listen to it on special occaisions.
Or not so special occasions.
The times when that razor is looking.
And i need those sharp blades.
Or my pocket knife is trembling in my hand.
About to do that thing that makes my feel in control.
About to make that mistake.
Im listening to it now.
I need help.
I want help.
But they dont understand.
No one around me does either.
I want someone to talk to.
Or even a pen pal.
That would make me happy.
But since no one reads my blog why does it even matter?