2012

Today is Monday November 23,2009.
The time: 4:31pm.
Locations: My bed room.
Emotion: Pain.
Every one in our school tells my girlfriend to break up with me.
That im not good enough.
Im not.
So i have been thinking about death latley.
If i die, heres what i want to be known.
So here is my last Will and Testment.

This is the Last will and Teastment of Samule Bowden Tarleton.
To start, i wish to apologize to any one who is slightly effected by my death.

I wish to say good bye to the following people.

Cody Michale Allen-
I know we fight, i know the last thing i said too you was mean.
But im sorry. I love you. You are my cousin and i will always love you.
We have been best friends since we were little. And im always thankful for the happy
summers i have spent in Barnesville.

Tad Tarleton-
You are my hero. I come to you for advice all the time. I love you.
I rarley see you but i try to talk to you whenever possible.
You are my hero and im sorry.
I know this isnt going by your adivce of maning up.
But i did the best i could.

Benjamen and Spencer Evans-
You are so little and have so much ahead of you.
My adive to you is keep your head up,
Keep trudgeing up the mountain.
I love you guys.

Tamriage Martin-
We have never really been close until this year.
You have become my best friend.
The only real best friend i have ever had.
You are probaly thinking pothetic but thats okay.
You are a inspiration and you are going to go far in life.
You will always win (:

Lexi Ruben Moore-
I know you hate me by now.
But i enjoyed every moment we hung out.
You are amazing.
Dont listen to other people.
You are an amazing peroson.
Tamriage is lucky yo have you.

Jasmine Huff-
Thank you.
Thanks for every single one of our talks.
Every sexuality talk,
Every realshinship talk,
Every whos hotter talk.
I love you.
Keep drawing and taking pictures.

Mom and Dad-
Im sorry im not the son you wanted.
Im sorry i dissapointed you.
And im sorry i ruined your life mom.
Im soryr i was born.

To my sisters-
Dont tun out like me.
Its not worth it.

Gaby-
Sorry for everything.
I loved you.
I hope you love me.

Kassandra-
I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvve you!
Sorry this is late this was supposed to be a draft thern i hit post :/
Well you are ab amazing perosn.
Yopu dont think so, but everyone else does.
Kassandra we love you.
Keep strong.

Where were you..

Where were you?
When everything was falling apart.
Im falling apart.
Piece by piece.
No body cares.
Im here alone.
Why i havent blogged in a while?
Because when i have free time ive been crying about my life.
My life is in hell.
Im here alone breaking into 1,000,000 pieces.
And no one is willing to pick them up.
Im supposed to be supportive.
Im supposed to help people out.
But were is my shoulder to cry on.
I try to talking to certain people but they always make it seem like my problems dont matter.
That they are worse off.
I strated cutting again.
I toild my cousin tad.
He told me i was a pussy and to grow up.
I stgarted smoking again.
And i balled my self up in the corner of my bathroom today.
And smoked.
And cried.
My whole family was outside putting up lights on our bushes.
A "tradtional family activity."
And no one told me.
And when i went outside,
My sister started a argument with me.
My dad said nothing was wrong till i went outside and to go back inside,
And "be misreable like i always am."
This is the same man who when he found out i cut he said i was trying to be mello dramatic.
I hate my life.
Im tired of this.
I want to die.
But no one cares.
I could text everyone in my phone and say im going to kill my self.
And no one would care.
Why would they?
Im a piece of shit.
God i want to die.
My mother doesnt care.
She never says i love you too me.
The only time she does is when i cry cause she yells at me for nothing.
And she says you know i love you more then anything.
Which is a lie.
She doesnt love me at all.
And its okay.
I love her.
I love my father.
I love my sisters.
The only person who ever kind of got me was my cousin cody or my cousin tad.
Cody recently tried to get my girlfriend to send him nude pictures.
And tad doesnt get me.
im in my room alone.
My razor is in its spot.
Waiting for me.
The only thing to ever wait for me.
The only thing i have.
Cause i have other things.
But i dont matter to them.
God help me.
God help me make it through.
This week is thanks giving break.
This tuesday i have to drive to Georgia.
Put on a fake smile.
And pretend im okay.
When all of my realtives ask me "how are you?"
Ill lie and say "im great, you?"
Ill smile and move on.
Then ill want to go secretly smoke.
But i wont be able too.
Help me?

Run baby Run.

So sorry for my depressing blogs latley...
Thats been my life.
But today got better.
Alot better.
Well not really till 5 minutes ago.
Where i had some sort of break down.
But like a good one.
I was on my bed on FB typing a paper...
Then Skyway evenue came on but we the kings...
And i randomly wanted to move.
So i put my laptop on the floor.
Kicked all the covers to the gorund.
And started jumping.
I jumped around dancing to the song.
Singing.
Then when it was over i stood for a minute...
Then Check yes juliet came on.
So i danced to that.
Then do you remeber by jack johnson came on...
Thats not a dancing song.
Then right now it got really bad.
Im on the phone with this girl.
And she is going to kill her self.
Let it be known i love her.
She is my life.
I do everything with her.
If she goes i go.
And both our decembers wont come again.

Sam by day....Me by night.

You think i am but im not.
I go to school.
Most of the time in t shirt and jeans.
Nothing special.
I used to try to look good.
Nice shirt...
Striaghtened hair.
I looked alright.
But no one cared
So now im sam.
And most of them probaly dont know the real me.,
I wear glasses.
But the make my eyes look huge so i got contacts.
Im ugly.
I dont know.
Im tired of not being me.
You see they see the sam tarleton at school.
The one who does okay in school...
but he never asks any questions...
Cause he hates people staring at him and thinking im dumb.
Im the one whos thigh always is in pain.
Cause of the cuts.
Im the one who has a best friend.
But isnt anyones best friend.
Im the one who people say they hate.
Even though they dont know me.
Im the one who is chosen last.
Im the one who loves being at school.
Not because i love to learn,
But i hate being at home.
Im the one who crys.
All the time.
The one who sits in the corner in his bathroom crying.
Cutting his leg.
Im the one who is bleeding at this very moment.
Cause he cut him self 8 times today.
I cut 9 yesterday.
and 6 the day before.
23 cuts on me.
A record.
One not to be proud of....
But im not the only cutter...
I have a friend.
Who i can talk about anything with.
Well not anything.
But cutting wise i can.
I have anotther who i can talk about sexual orientaion issues with.
I have one last friend....
Who listens to me with everything i say.
But once i say one secret.
They treats me different.
I dont know.
This is me.
During the day i look okay.
But at night...
Thats when i become the real me.
Take me or leave me?
Thats your choice.

P.Law

Do you have a place?
Where you feel safe.
Where you feel like you belong.
Like you feel part of something.
You feel like you are something.
You feel loved.
You feel welcome.
For me that place is
Epiphany Lutheran Church.
I start going there with my godparents last year.
My parents dont go to church.
So we never did as a fmaily.
But one sunday last year i went with my godparents.
And i ahev ever since.
I dont go every sunday.
I go about once a month.
Sometimes 2-3.
Depends if my godparents can come get me.
But when i go i love it.
I looke around and see all the people.
I love our pastor.
Her name is Pastor Laura Wind.
We call her P.Law.
Or Pastor Laura.
The firstg week i met her i introduced my self.
And ever since she has remeber my name.
I have seen this lady thru the best and worst.
Last year she had major surgury.
And i went to the hospital to vist her.
She looked rough.
And you could tell she didnt feel good.
But she was still amazing.
This church is where i belong.
Today this lady came up to me,
I have never actually met her in my laugh.
But i see her every week.
And she came up and sai,
You ahve grown so tall and handsome since you started coming here last year.
I was amazed.
I love this.
Sorry i never wanted to turn this into a religous blog.
But like....
I just wanted to put that out there.

Facebook.com/honda

Im a addict.
At least thats what they tell me.
But im not.
I smoke 2 ciggerates a week.
I havent cutt in a month,
Yet im dieing too.
I mabe have smoked weed 5 times.
And i in life...
I have no idea what im doing.
Im lost.
Is there a map somewhere?
Telling us where to go,.
And how to get there.
Cause if so.
I need to get it.
Cause i  have 4 real friends

Tamriage Martain.
Lexi Ruben Moore
Jasmine Huff
Gaby Mena

God im a loser.
I have a stupis blog where i write down my thoughts
my hopes
my dreams
my fears,
And i dont know yall.
Did you know that i am alone
And i dont know aht to do.?

God this blog is so random.

Trouble in Paradice? Fuck you.

My sister is queen bee.
She is enrolled in RReynolds High School.
She is in 10th grade.
Has pleanty of friends.
Goes to all the parties.
Is perfect.

Her brother isnt.
He is a fat,
Depressed,
Cutitng,
Bi sexual,
loser.

My sster came home crying cause a boy wouldnt go to a dance with her.
I wanted to scream.
People, much less girl, have never liked me.

Can i get a Angus cheeseburger....with extra turttle...

So....
To start i have a question...
Do people even read my blog anymore?
Cause i used to get at least 2-3 comments on everyblog...
But latley i havent got any.
So if you do read it...
Comment!
I mean you dont have to....
But it was help put me out of my insanity :)
Im like going crazy wondering where everyone is.
Like no one has been bloging latley.
Besides the all wonderfull Kassandra.

Secondly...
How was everyones halloween?
Mine was good,
I was a doctor.
Except i almost got caught with ciggerates...

Third....
I have not cut in a total of....
17 days!
Ahaha!
I kinda want to....
But since i picked up smoking again...
I cut down...
Truthfully id rather smoke then cut anyways...

Now for blogging...
Cause that up there...
That wasnt blogging.
I was updates.
And i hate update blogs.
I mean like some ones are good.
Like Kassandras.
She says something like...
"I went to the plaza with becky"
Then shell be like...
"But my emotions were running wild when i saw his face."
Both of those were totaly made up....
And really poorly written.
But shes a good blogger.
I read her blog alot.
Damn this has turned into a kassandra blog!
Ahahaha well...
ill wrtie something to all my followers...

Angus:
How are you? You have not blogged in a while...I miss your posts.
They are witty and fun to read.
Yet so down to earth.
And i have a question...and you might not remeber the anwser.
But one time you called me a "inspiration: in a comment.
Why am i a insperation?

Turttle:
You need to blog now.
Like now.
I miss your blogs!
And btw....in one of my blogs i mentioned wanting a pen pal...
You said it was odd.
It is odd isnt it?
But i want one.

Kassandra:
No matter what you anwser on facebook...
Im the most attractive person you know!

Aria:
Not to sound rude...
Like this is totally like a for real question...
but..
Who are you?
Like where are you from?
Why dont you have a blog your self?
And why do you read my blog?
Like that wasnt ment to sound rude...

Lindsey:
I love LOLocaust.
Like it is witty...(i like the word witty)
Well written.
Has a point.
And is a very good read.
Even thou you say fuck men!
But you made a very good point with that blog.
Diseny does leave the impression in little girls minds.

Tamriage:
Hey!
Hows lexi!
Blog more damn it!