ABSOLUT

This wont be long,
More of an update.
I am loving my break.
Tonight,
If my cousin will hurry up,
I shall go get slightly intoxicated.
The other night we got high,
But tonight i feel like drinking.
So why my cousins drink,
I shall drink.
I shall drink so vodka and cranberry juice.
Maybe smoke a little bit,
Ciggs not weed.
Mabe alittle weed.
Well i am off,
I have to go get ready.

M*A*S*H

Little brown line,
Cover my legs.
Little pink lines,
On my arms.
Memories that will be here forever.
But mabe, I want them to go away.
Memories of that razor.
Memories of that knife.
Memoreis of my sadness.
Memories of my teenage years.

My suicidal thoughts come and go these days.
Somedays im here to stay,
Others im ready to go.

Im here to stay when things like,
My cousin invites me to go get high.
Not like im a drug addict,
But like he thought to invite me.

Im ready to go when people ditch me for other people.
Or I remind them we were supposed to hang out,
So they invite another person.

I love the little moments in life when all you want to do is sing.
Or you are sitting in the same place,
Watching the same thing,
With the same people,
Not in a routine way.
But in the, this is good.
I like this way.
When ever i go to my grand fathers we sit and watch old western movies.

I love it.

And Elephants never forget.

I have never been the favorite of anything.
Im the kid who gets dragged along.
Picked last.
Invited himself.
Im the kid who you would rather be with someone else,
But your with me because there is no one else.
You cant just hang out with me,
You have to invite someone else along.
I feel like i dont matter.
Because you know,
to My hero,
I lost my place as his favorite.
My Grandfather,
Charlie Tarleton,
Is a pretty amazing guy.
He has won about every boy scout award you can win.
And has always supported me.
And given me little Boy scout memorbilia.
And truthfully,
I thought i was the favorite.
But then i realized that Cody, my cousin,  is the favorite.
When we were little my grandfather told me and my cousin he would give me this special knife when we turned 13.
Lets see when my cousins recived theres.
Tad:12
Cody:10
Sam:14
When my cousins got theres, he said how proud he was.
When i got mine,
He said i gave them one i guess i have to give you one.
My cousins have always recived.....different treatment then me.
My grandfather bought my cousins both swords.
Did i get one?
No.
I never really asked for much,
But when i do its for small things.
I wish for once, it was about me.
I guess i was never the favorite.
I used to think i was.
But, I was wrong.
As always.

mabe next year, only 365 days till i change my ways

So here's the thing,
I don't feel like I deserve to live.
I sit here in the car on my way to georgia
I feel like its hot but cold. I listen to my ipod listening to random music.
Realtimg to it.
My head aches.
I need her but she is his.
Fml

Christmas tree, oh christmas tree

Merry Christmas my lovley followers.
For startes,
For my christmas present I would like each of you to comment and say hello.
Just let me know what you think of my life.

Secondly,
I had the worst Christmas Eve of my life.
1)I got in a fight with Gaby.
2)I got drunk, that wasnt bad. But later that night i continued to throw up.
ALL night.
3)I got into a wreck.

My godfather let me borrow his car.
I was going to fast on a turn,
Hit the curb.
Went over the curb into the other road.
Cars swurved.
I blew a tire.
I dont concider that a wreck,
But my sister tells everyone i wrecked.

Other then that,
My life has been okay.
I have had a great christmas.
And i am now lwaving to go to the fine state of Georgia,
To see my family.
If i dont get a chance to blog by then,
Have a happy new year(:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

I am a lazy,
Lying,
Annoying,
Dissapointment.
Or,
At least thats what my family tells me.
It is Christmas eve and i am wanting to jump off a bridge.
Gabs hurt me again.
She was gonna come back but she just led me on the let me down
I just wish she would understand me.
Get me.
Love me. Not lead me on then take me down.

You know?
She disappointed me.
I thought she was better then this.
Better the breaking someones heart,
When she knows exactly how it feels.
But this,
Has to be worst then what she felt.
She left me for another guy,
A guy i hate.

Tyler R. Canada December 24 at 1:57am Report


Hey Sam. You probably don't care to hear from me right now, but oh well. :P
Look, I understand that you're not happy with how things have turned out, but you can't expect to be happy all the time now can you?
I don't particularly like you, but I can honestly say that I care about you. You can accuse me of lying all you want, but it's true. I wouldnt be up at 2am typing this message if I didnt.
I know things arent easy, but you've got to hang in there and be strong.
You may not realize it, but every time you give in to the pain, it hurts Gaby that much more.
She's strong, but she's fragile. Especially when it comes to the seeing the people she cares about in pain.
You probably dont think she cares, but she does. More than you know.
She gets so upset because of the things you say to her about what you want to do to yourself. She starts crying and panicing.
She cares immensely.
It seems the people that you least suspect of caring are the ones that care the most.
Believe me when I say, all this shit that's going on now will pass with time. You've just got to try to keep your head and regain at least the tinyest sense of hope.
Dont give into the pain. That's exactly what it wants you to do.
Show the bitch who's boss!
Don't do it for me. Do it for Gaby and for yourself.
She's got faith in you, man.
Dont let her down.

Thats what he sent me when he found out he won gaby.
So i replied with,

Sam Tarleton December 24 at 2:45am
I understand you are being nice and i appericate it,
But truthfully,
After i get my zippo back and give her all our stuff,
Im done.
She made out with me 3 times while going out eith you.
Once in which we ended up naked in a bathroom stall.
She told me she lovedme.
She kissed me,
She told me she was coming back.
Then she does this.
I dont care if she is strong enough for this or not.
When you make choices there are things that folow.
And by leading me on,
And then hurting me,
These are the consiquences she has to follow.
And why would i do it for gaby?
She told me her being suicidal was my fault.
She toldme i basically raped her the past 8 months.
So you know what?
I dont care if i let her down.
She let me down.
What goes around comes around.
Tell her to keep herself and her ashely crap away from me.
If she wont help me i wont help her.

I probaly sounded like an ass,
But you know what?
She broke my heart.
And she doesnt seem to care.

From The North Caronlina Department of Motor Vehicles

9 days ago i went to the DMV and got my permit.
I am now allowed to drive a car on the road with a parent in the car.
Out of the last 9 days,
I have gotten to drive 3 times.
My mother wont take me because her nerves cant handle it.
My father wont take me because he doesnt feel like it,
Only my godparents will take me.
That is only the start of why my mother and father are turning into my worst enemies.
Though my mother knows that i want nothing more then to just drop dead,
She still yells at me all the time.
All she does is blame me,
Laugh at me,
Yell at me,
Shes killing me.
Whenever she yells i bite my lip.
Literally.
I bite really hard.
Its my way of cutting in front of her.
She may not notice it.
It may not be that bad.
But its all i can do to stop my self from killing her.
From going insane,
Hell. Its to late for that.
Ive aalready lost it,
I used to be a perky person.
I always made a presence.
Or at least that is what i am told.
But now,
I dont want to be noticed.
I just want to slip into the backk ground
Why has this changed took place?
I was told at Speak Out that depression most likely runs in the family.
My Great-Grandfather killed himself.
My Uncle attempted suicide.
My mother has been on anti-depressents.
She tells me none of this is my fault.
That its genetic.
But i dont think so.
My life is falling apart.
The love of my life left me.
Went to him.
We are now best friends.
But wait!
Shes leaving and going to another school.
I feeli like my friends are drifting.
My grades are slipping.
My life is not what it used to be.
I feel like im not worth it any more.

Reality strikes a cord.

What i thought was a good day,
Suddently goes astray.
My mother once was on my side.
But that was never to last.
She know i want to die.
She knows the thoughts that i think.
But yet when my sister makes fun of me.
She doesnt do a thing.
Actually let me change that,
She ndoes do something.
She makes fun of me also.
Then when i rebut,
She yells at me.
And tells me to go up stairs.
To get away from her.
Now i sit in my room.
In the corner of my bed.
Crying.
Looking for my razor.
Wondering where my lighter is.
Thinking of my camel crush.
Oh wait,
I hear a noise.
Oh,
Thats just my familiy down stairs.
Making fun of me.
Oh how i want to die.
I want these thoughts to go away.
I want to be away from this world.
I want these people to go away.
I dont want to be a bother any more.
I want to go away.
Why is my life like this?
Why am i so alone?
I only love certain people.
I only love certain things.
Why.
Why is my life like this.
Why do i want to die?
Its 5:57pm.
December 22, 2009.
I am 15 years old.
And i am ready to die.

Color My life with the Choas of Trouble

Im really glad we did this.
I love these pancakes.
Your still my bestfriend.

I am currently watching [500] Days of Summer.
So far, Its the story of my life.
I am currently at Day 4.
This is where Summer and Thomas first meet.
They sit in and elevator,
Listening to music.
Summer attempts to sing a little.

Day 8
Summer and Thomas talk during a party.
This is where they start to slightly flirt.
This is where thomas really starts to like her.

Day 154
Thomas relizes,
He is truly in love with summer.
He lists everything that makes him in love with summer.
She makes him feel like life is worth it.

Thats only the begining of the movie.
Ill let you watch it to see the rest.
Its amazaing.
Its the best story.

Well,
This is one of my less depressing blogs...
Life has been good latley.
I still have been having those thoughts.
But overall,
Ive been okay(:

Hoarders

I had the most amazing night.
I went to Speak Out tonight.
And there was only one other person there besides me tonight,
That is due to the fact that there is 5 inches of snow on the ground,
And that traffic was a mess.
But it was still fun.
I told my story.
And i talked.
And talked.
And told them everything.
I told them everything under the sun.
And it felt good.
I just talked.
And she asked questions.
And i would tell them stroies.
And explain how i felt.
And then we would talk about school.
Stresses.
And then it was over,
I went outside,
Walked around the mall for a total of 5 minutes.
My sister went to go see her boyfriend in some parking lot.
They madeout.
And i stole her car and drove around.
I would go sixty then hit the brek.
It was soooo fun.
Well i got my permit in the mail today(:
That wraps up todays blog...

Brooke and Delany

Number of Facebook friends: 370.
Number of "Friends" online: 43
Number of people online that i talk to on a regular day: 5
Number of people im talking to: 0

Isnt that funny?
Out of 370 "friends" 43 are online.
And i dont want to talk to any of 43,
Is none.
Well about 75% of the people online are i met them one time,
At that one persons house.
And then we are friends on Facebook.
I get friends requests on a daily.
But most of those people jsut add me cause we have mutual friends.
Yeah "friends"
Cause most likely,
Our mutal "friend",
I dont talk too.
But what ever,
Whats the harm in haveing those people there?

On a random note...
Does anyone know where you can get cool backgrounds for your blog?
I want to redo my blog.

Call me Mr. Flinstone, Cause i can make your Bed-Rock(:

In my last blog, i said how horrible my mother was.
Because i thought she didnt care that i was suicidal.
But i take back everything i said.
2 hours after i originally told her,
We talked.
She told me she loves me.
And not to think of that as a soultion.
And that we would get me help.
Cause you know what.
I need help.
My life is in a down hill slope.
Will it become more hopefull?
Will my life go up hill?
Only time will tell.
Today i spent the day driving around town,
Loading boxes.
Unloading boxes.
And going out to eat.
I spent the day going to 2 resturants.
Going to church.
Thinking.
The whole day i thought about everything under the sun.
My god-father let me drive his car.
I had one of my good days.
Tommorow should be a good day also.
I am going to go to this thing called,
Speak Out.
Its a program in our city,
Like a support group for depressed teens.
And as pathetic as it sounds,
Im excited about going.
Its a place where i can talk.
Mabe it will go well,
We can hope.

C.S.

The sounds of Desperate House Wives if our background music.
"Mom, we need to talk."
"What about?"
"I need to go to the doctor"
"Why?"
"I have been thinking about suicide for the past couple of weeks and i want to get help before i do something stupid."
"Okay"

I told my mom i wanted to kill my self today.
She acted as though she didnt care.
My own mother.
Who has been depressed before.
Didnt care that i wanted to die.
At that very moment i was going to kill myself.
But i decided not to.
Someone talked me out of it,
Though they had no idea they were.
The fact that my mother didnt care, bothers me,
Later tonight im going to go talk to her.
Ill keep you posted.

World History

Its weird to think people have been around for centuries.
For millions of years.
Over those million years have people felt the same emotions?
Did the cave men feel depressed?
Did king Arthur cut himself?
Did the virgin mary ever want to give up?
Or are all these things a new, modern day thingsV
Am I just a stastic?
That years from now people will look at.
Mabe write a paper on.
"Suicide Rates Over the Years"
"Self Mutlation overthe Years"
I'm your next paper topic.
I have to go.
I'm in world history.
And I must go read about mesoamerica

[b]Kassandra.[/b]

Today me and Gaby were supposed to meet at the park,
Talk,
Smoke,
Figure things out.
We were supposed to meet at 4.
We get out of school late so i get their at 4:15.
I sit there till 5.
Waiting.
She calls at 5 and says Hey i cant go anymore.
We changed our plans.
Canada is coming here instead,
Well i couldnt go home,
My mom didnt expect me home till almost 6.
And would know something was up if i came home early.
So i had to sit in the park.
For ANOTHER hour.
Alone....
Half crying.
Because i couldnt stop thinking about how horrible my life was.
I smoked 3 ciggerates.
Cut 6 times.
And sat in the frezzing cold..
Crying.
Now i sit her.
Blood soaking through my boxers from the cuts.

I thiink i half clinical depression.
Because looking at my life,
No huge event has happened that has made me upset.
I want to get help so bad.
But im scared.
Scared my parents will get mad.
And i dont know.
Im not worth helping.
I mean gaby goes on about haveing Ashely in her head.
And about how she is always sad.
And makes me feel like my pain doesnt matter because she is sadder,
I just wish, for once,
Someone would help me.
Get me the help i need.
Mr. Whitmer,
Please ask me if im depressed again.
Mabe my anwser will change.

Blackberry

I'm at rjr high school.
Waiting for her.
Cause we need to talk.
Waiting to talk about everything

Lets play a love game

Love.
What a complicated thing.
God damn my life.
I want Gaby back more then anything.
But i dont think shell take me back.
Which kills me on the inside.
I dont htink ill ever be able to get over her.
I mean i bought her a promise ring.
A ring that promises ill be with her.
But she left me.
And the night after she breaks up with me she says all i wanted was a promise ring.
And i told her i had one.
But she was like oh damn.
So FML.

Well my teacher keeps asking me if im depressed.
I want to tell him yes so bad.
Mabe get some help.
But thatll never happen.
I wish he would figure it out.
And talk to me.
Or someone would get me help.
I wish i had a gaurdian angle.
Who would come save me.
But thats not coming.

I think of suicide now on a regular baisis.
No body ever asks me how are you?
Sure in smalltalk they do.
But i mean a real, sam are you okay?
I guess if i knew someone cared id be okay.

I feel like my best friends are slipping away from me.
Gaby doesnt love me,
I think shes not coming to my party for a reason.
Tamriage has been takeing gabs side on everything.
Hell read this and get mad but you know what?
He needs to know
Lexi is Lexi.
And by that i mean it in a very positive matter.
Like shes the one i dont think is leaveing me,
I feel like shes here and shell be here for me.
I hope im write.

I have a pen pal(:
Kinda...
Its by email...
But its to turtle!

Dicimbre or something of the same

Tonight is poker night.
My father and i go to this random house,
Play poker,
The adults drink,
Me and the other two sons who go only get water or another non-alchoalic drink.
I occasionaly steal some liquor.
But anyways...
Its a fun night.
Its one of those nights where i forget all of my resentemens towards my dad,
I love it.

Suicide cam through my mind yet again today.
I think i shall OD on the eve before my birthday.
Mabe not to kill me.
But to knock me out.
I dont know.
Mabe i do want to die.
Mabe i dont.
Thoughts?

Would you kill yourself?
Can you imagine doing it?
Can you see your self in 5 years?

Emails and Lesibians

Latley,
L:ife has been intresting.
Turtle emailed me(:
And i started following a bunch of really cool new blogs.
But its also been hard.
My teacher asked me if i was depressed today.
I think i am clincally depressed.
But im scared to tell my parents.
Cause when they found out i cut i was told i was mello dramatic.
Goddddd.
I hate my life.
Latley,
I have grown to resent my father.
He is a intresting man...
I love the man to death.
But i have seemed to resent him more and more latley.
He never spends time with me.
He goes to every one of my sisters soccer practices.
In his eyes, My sisters come first.
He became the assiant scout master of my troop to spend more time with me.
He hasnt been to a meeting in 3 months.
I ran for the highest postion in our troop to please him,
He never said congratualtions or good job.
Only critiques.
This in turn has made me grown to resent scouting.
My father also doesnt get me.
To him,
Your supposed to be that athletic,
Smart, All around perfect kid.
I dont do sports.
I make lots of C's.
And i make tons of mistakes.
He makes mistakes too.
Like everynight my mother cries herself to sleep because of him.
He doesnt beat her.
He doesnt verbal abuse her.
He ignores her.
And is sort of mean to her.
Which makes me belive that they are getting a divorce.
My mother told my sister to try just living with my father.
And the way they act latley,
They arent staying together.
Which would make me sad...
But would also make me happy.
Because then my mother would be happy.
But do understand.
I love my father,
He just isnt a bareable person.

This Dead End Life...

Suicide: the deliberate taking of one's own life, Depending on the time and place, it may be regarded as a heroic deed or condemned by religious and civil authorities.

Deliberate act of taking ones life.

• Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 79.4% of all U.S. suicides
• 14.5% of students, grade 9-12, seriously considered suicide in the previous 12 months (18.7% of females and 10.3% of males).
• 6.9% of students reported making at least one suicide attempt in the previous 12 months (9.3% of females and 4.6% of males).

People commit suicide everyday.
Every 16 minutes somone shoots themselves.
Poisions themselves.
Suffacates themselves.
I tried to kill myself last summer.
When i got home from camp.
I tied a rope to a tree and attepmted to suffacate myself.
I wanted it to look like a accident.
But it didnt work.
And i heard my moms car pull up so i hid the rope.
Its still somewhere in my yard.
I want to die.
As depressing as that sounds my life hasslipped away from me.
My favorite teacher askes me every other day..
"Sam..Whats wrong? Latley you have been depressed? I want to help you."
I tell him nothing is wrong and i have justed been stressed.
I just dont know anymore.
No one seems to care anymore.
My best friend thought i was mad at him alll day.
When in reality..
I was thinking about suicide.
I have been considering killing myself all day.
All day.
No body seems to really care.
If i left i could be replaced.
Im just another kid.
But thats what they see.
They see the kid who seems to be okay.
But in reality...
My legs are covered in cuts.
My room doors are locked cause i want to be alone.
I move quickly from one class to the next because i want the day to be over.
I dont know.
What do you think Caroline Lee?
You see me everyday.
You secrety read my blog.(no im not mad about that.)
How do i look at school?

Bookstore, Cafe, and More

I thought i was winning her back.
We had talked.
I kissed her on saturday.
And she kissed me back.
She said she still loves me.
But she likes him,
She told me that she would tell me December 31 what her desion would be.
I told her no.
I couldnt and wouldnt wait that long.
I wasnt going to wait for her to deside who she likes going out with more.
It wasnt fair.
So today is the day i told her i needed to know by.
So when we where at mayberries for our friends party...
And i asked her to go outside with me..
I thought she would defiently tell me she chose me.
But she didnt.
She barley talked at all.
And so it was quite.
So i leaned it to kiss her.
Because i dont know why, but i thought it was that kind of moment.
But when i reached in...
She turned her head.
Then said she needed to go inside.
So we both walked to the corner.
She turned to go back inside.
I sat down.
She asked me what i was doing.
I lied and said my sister was coming to get me.
I sat at the corner for 20 minutes.
Staring at the "Masters Loft Book Store."
Thinking.
Wondering.
A lady walked up and asked me if i was okay,
If i wanted to go inside with her to get warm,
I said i was fine.
I was lieing.
I wanted to text my friends.
And tell them.
But all i do is have breakdown after breakdown.
And i didnt want to bother them.
We had a fun weekend together and i didnt want to ruin the ending.
They stayed at my house almost all day yesterday.
Me and lexi got drunk(:
Tam didnt.
But thats okay...
They made out in my bed.
Which was a bummer cause i didnt have anyone to makeout with.
But thats okay.
Ive made out infront of them before.
So...
FML...
Ill keepyou posted on the Me and Her story if you want...
If your tired of it just say so.

Richard

So...
Love...
Fuck it,
Im in love and she left me.
For him...
She didnt know though.
I got her a promise ring.
A freaking promise ring.
Like a ring promiseing i would love her forever and i would always be here.
She knows i got it for her...
And she got upset.
And i was gonna give it to her today.
Today is our anversery.
And shes going out with her boyfriend.
While i stay at home and cut.
And cry,
And smoke.
I hate life.
Gah...
There a rumor going arouns school that i hooked/was gonna hook up
With this guy.
And i want to kill myself.
No one would care.
In two minutes people are going to comment and say i would care.
But if i killed my self who would it really phase?
I have only 2 friends.
One stands up for me no matter what,
And i love her to death...
But she could make new friends.
The other one is amazing.
And listens..
But idk,
He seems to be drifting these days.

I got a boyfriend who makes me feel like a princess

FML
FML
FML
FML
Did I mention FML?
Gaby left me...
Ive cut more then ever.
And deeper and deeper.
Hopefully itll kill me.
So here are my break up phases.
Btw these arent my feelings now...
This is since the breakup.

1)Anger.
Fuck Love
like she left me and like 3 days later she has a new boyfriend?
Like really?
I hate Tyler R. Canada.

2)Resement.
I didnt need her any way.
Im better off.

3)Denial.
We arent over...Were just taking a break.

4)Hopful.
Were gonna get back together.
She told me she still loved me.(:

5)Dissapoinment/Hurt.
She goes out with him.
The one boy i feared id lose her too.
I read her blog.
Thats where the title comes from.
Whats hurts the most about the lines is i used to call her my princess.
And she would say i was her prince charming.
Corny.
But still.
And then she says: I got a boyfriend who makes me feel like a princess
Fuck my life.
The line under the princess comment  basically says
"I got an ex boyfriend who is still in love with me
(ouch? you ask. Yes kind of, but its nice to know someone gives a damn and can fogive you after so much shit)"
So baiscally shes glad i strill love her...
But only cause she knows someone loves her.
I cried and ancried.
I cut and cut.
But i have to be a big boy.
Keep a smile on my face.
And when im around her act like inm not dieing on the inside.