Daddy Please

For starters...
I have a mystery commenter(:
They leave random comments under anonuymus.
Who are you mystery commenter?
Reveal yourself! ahah

Secondly,
This parents not being together is not working out.
I hat having to pack up to go to my own parents house.
And i hate the way my family runs.
I can be talking to someone, and they will pick up the phone and call someone.

And i know i will sound hypocritical.
But im tired of people bashing my dad.
Everytime i talk to my mom or her friends all i hear is insulting my dad.
You know what?
SHUT UP!
I dont want to hear ho horrible he is.
He has his flaws and i resent him sometimes,
But you dont get to insult him
He is my father.
Im sounding hypocrtical, but im tired of it.
This is hard enough on me.

Jane you wore a due rag

Today was one of those days that you thought would suck,
But end up okay.
I went to my friends eagle ceromony.
My sister had to come..
We went out to eat.
I got to drive.
Today was good.
Staying at my dads iis good.
Life is good.
And im feeling okay.

PearBear

Chipped paint.
Dusty floors.
Mix matching colors on the wals.
A bed with no sheets.
A broken air condioner,
A ld dresser.
Broken Blinds.
This is my room in my dads house.
The room that i lived in 5 years ago when we were a family.
Not this seperated thing we are now.

My teacher learned i was suicidal and a cutter.
And that im having a hard time.
So she says we are going to start haveing lunch.
To talk about my life.
To make sure im okay.

Sweet Dreams That Wont Come True.

Today at school i had 3 break downs.
Due to my dad is moving out today.
And that Gabys boyfriend came to eat lunch with her today.
Which resulted in me saying i was mad.
And Richard saying be happy.
Now shes with someone she actually wants to be with.
I am failing every class.
And i am suicidal.
FML.

All of this together resulted in me sitting in my favorite teachers room skipping life skills.

Now im sitting in my room listening to a playlist of owl city and we the kings.
 Life is at a complicated point right now.
My mother forgot i want to kill myself i belive.
She doesnt treat me like i want to die, more like im just here.

Waiting on the world to change.

And as she told me the truth about my life.
As she made sure i knew what everybody else thinks.
I ran.
And hid.
And grabbed that razor for the first time in forever.
And drug it across my wrists.
And sat.
And stared.
At the blood filling the cut.
The tears started to fill my eyes.
But i stopped them
Yall probaby think im too emotional.
But being suicidal...
It does that to you.
But i stopped the tears.
I have cried more then i have my entire life these past 6 days.
And i didnt want to cry.
So i sat.
And waited.
For myself to calm down.
But it didnt work for long.
But now im here.
Waiting for things to change.

The Equal Sign

Panic Attacks=Not fun.
Today=Bad day.
I went to my dads house for the first time, which made me upset.
Cause i relized how real it all was.
Then i drove with my mom home.
She started crying about the divorce.
Which made me cry.
So i get home...
Ask my sister if she wants to study together.
She says yeah! sure.
As im walking down stairs to get smething to drink,
I hear her talking about me saying she doesnt want to study with me,
That it was suppoed to be just her and a friend.
So i walk up stairs,
Go to get my computer.
I start choking almost.
Like i couldnt get air.
Dropped to my knees.
Crying.
Couldnt stop.
Then in sat in my room.
I didnt know what was going on.
I was confused.

Hawtorne

I want things to go back to the way they were.
Im tired of crying.
Im tired of crying the tears no one will see.
No one will care about.
No one will know about.
Life is killing me a little bit at a time each day.
I feel like everything that happens is my fault.

TamTam

Todays Scedual: Study.
Exam week is this week.
And i have to try to make it thru the week with as few break downs as possible.
I am to stressed out.
I am in charge of my boyscout troop.
I run young life.
I am suicidal.
I have exams.
My parents are getting a divorce.
My dad is moving out tommorow,
Please God help me thourgh this week.
Im so tired of this.
Help?

I cried my eyes at, but youll never know.

I cry those tears that no one are allowed to see.
I am supposed to be the strong one.
The one who is supposed to comfort my little sisters.
I am the one who supposed to tell my mom its going to be okay.
The one who is supposed to act like nothing is wrong,
Well you know what?
My parents are divorcing and im crying.
And i dont want them to.
And i dont know if things are going to be okay.
Im not being strong.
Well to them,
Im being very strong.
My parnets and sisters think im okay with it.
I dont cry infront of them.
I dont talk about it.
I just do that by my self.
I cry.
And cry.
And cry some more.
I love my family.
But those thoughts of suicide are coming back up.
I cant do this.

Where are you going sir?

Ironay is a funny funny thing..
So i have a story to tell you.

Black, dirty sweat shirt.
Blue jeans with a stain.
My polos on.
My sisters and i went to eat dinner together,
First time we have done that together in a while.
It wasso fun.
On the way there we blare "I miss back when,"
And on the way home, "One Time"
When we got home the whole family sat in the living room together.
Talked.
Laughed.
Had great time.
Then what happens?
Things get serious.
And my parents tell us,
They are getting a divorce.
Since then things have been awkward around the house.
When ever we talk about it,
No one says the word divorce.
We say, "What mom and dad told us lat night,"
When we talk about where my dad is going to live,
We dont say dads house.
We say, "the miller street house."
I said i would be happy about it.
I said i wanted it.
But now that its real,
I dont.
I want to leave.
I want my dad to stay.

Romeo. Romeo. Where are fort thou Romeo?

I like to think im a optamistic.
I like to think i belive in the everyday fairy tale.
You know...
Love at first sight.
Soul mates.
Fairy tale ending.
I like to think that one day we all get that happy ending.
But people in my class, they dont think so.
We had our quartarly IB seminar 2 days ago.
The topic: Romeo and Juliet.
My classes opinion on the charachter: 2 crazy teens who were stupid, made rash decisions, and thought they had love at first sight which doesnt exsist.
My opinion: Romeo and Juliet are two people in love. They saw each other and they knew they were ment to be. Their ulimate goal was to be together forever.
Love at first sight...
Optimist: Yes it exsists.
Pessimist: No it doesnt.
Realsit: Its lust at first sight, not love.
Sam Tarleton: It happens every now and then. Not every love is love at first sight. But those that are, they are truly special.

It is an odd predicament. Do you find it odd? Your predicament.

I wrote this letter to gaby. I may give it to her i dont know. Im not sure.
It tells her everything. What do you think?

Dear Gaby,
You broke my heart. We fought. You went to him. You want to be friends. I aggreed. But that is somehting im not sure if i can do. I see you in the hall way and i avoid you most of the time. Because i cant talk to you. Cause when i do i remeber everything about the last year of us. And you know what? However feminish this sounds, i am still madly in love with you. I see you in the hall and all i want is for things to be back to the way they were. The hardest thing you can do is watch the one you love, love someone other then you. Babe i have had to do it so many times in my life. Being your "friend" for the past couple of days has been so hard. You have made it so hard. All you talk about is going to reynolds. Babe im not dumb. You are going there for him. And he is someone you wont stop calling perfect. I understand you thinking he is perfect. But truthfully do you think that i want to hear about how amazing you find the guy that you left me for? You tell me about how he makes you feel like a princess and all of that. But i dont want to hear it. Im sorry babe. But i dont know what to do.

With love.
Sam

When everything was falling apart...

I had a break down in front of my family today.
Root of the break down: French Fries.
As funny as that sounds its truth.
My mom was eating fries.
Asked if any one wanted the rest.
Me and my little sisters said yes.
She gave them to my little sisters.
I got irratated.
Then i tried to tell my mom about a something that happened at school today.My sister inturupted me and started talking to my mom.
I told my sister i was talking.
I got yelled at for inturupting my sister.
Then i got yelled at for getting mad at getting yelled at.
Which led into a snowball of arguments.
Which ended in me yelling about how my sisters are put first.
How my father loves them more then me.
How everything revolves around my little sisters and that i wasnt important.
And then i ran upstairs and started crying.
Which led to me being alone for 10 minutes and feeling like no one cares.
Then my mom called me down stairs.
Told me i was wrong, and thats not true but she understands why i think that.
Now im here...
God i want to cut so badly.
Between that and im starting to have feelings for Gaby again:/
Which scares the hell out of me.
When i see her in the hall way i want to hug her.
I want to kiss her.
I want to hold her hand.
I want to look into those beautiful brown eyes and tell her i love her.
But she doesnt want me.
She stoped wanting me a whoile ago she says.
Fuck My Life.

Dont touch a hot stove.

Have you ever felt like you mean more to someone then they mean to you?
Gaby says she needs me but i dont know.
She wants to be friends but i dont know,
She wants to go back to the way we were...
But as friends.
Can i do that?
I have no idea in hell.
Kassandra says to forgive her, which i mostly have.
She says to let her bac in my life.
But the thing is...
I dont know if i can.
You can only let your heart get broken so many times.
You can only let your self get hurt so many times.
But what the hell do i do?

Beltloops

Hey...
Just a quick update.
Im at school...Stilll....
Getting yelled at.
By the biggest, meanest, teacher at Paisley IB.
Becaise im "a lieing child who needs to grow up."
Whatever(:
I am now with my favorite teacher...
Listening to music...
Blogging(:
About to go talk to future IBers about Student Council.
Cause i am that cool...
Ispend my days at school...
All day.
Voulenterraly.
Better then being at home(:

Morgantown

For starters...
I have a new blog.
Its between me and one of my bestest friends.
Its going to be like us writing each others letters.
I am excited(:

Life has been a mix of emotions latley.
Happy.
Sad.
Excitment.
Angery.
Joy.
Resentment.
But you know what?
Not one suicidal thought has passed through my mind latley.
Which makes me very happy.

But what if i cant do it?

You say you love me.
You say you want to be together forever.
You leave me.
You break my heart.
You go to him.

We fight.
We yell.
We cry.
We say hirtful things.
You tell me to "go extinct"
I cut because of you.
I cry.

And now...
You wanna still be friends.
You tell me you need me.
You now say you need me,
That you want to be best friends.

What if i fall bac in love with you?
What if i want to be with you again?
What happens when you break my heart again.
I dont know if i could do it.

You love me? Stop lying bitch.

I hate my father.
This is repeative, seeing as i have blogged about this time and time before.
But today has been the final straw.
I got yelled at for wanting to use colored pencils.
Yes, im telling the truth.
 My sister had new colored pencils for a project.
I asked to use them.
First my mother wouldnt shut up yelling at them.
Then when my father heard,
Every time i tried to talk he yelled shut up.
I hate my parents.
My mother is a contrdictive bitch
She tells me she feels like me wanting to kill myself was her fault.
Then she yells at screams at me over god damn colored pencils.
The only time my father talks to me is right when he gets home,
He says hello.
And when hes yelling at me.
So now i sit in my room and cry.
I want to die.
That damn razor is missing.
I sold my ciggerates.
But hey,
Theres always tommorow.
Or mabe there wont be.
I dont know anymore.

17 going on 117

I sit here sick.
I have been up all night sick as a dog.
Ill be kind and save you the details.

But i convinced my mother to let me miss school.
So that was a plus.

Well....Im lonley.

Happy 17th kassandra(:

Now its over.

So i have good news and bad..
Not really news,
Just updates to my life.

Good or bad first?
Ill go with good.

Good!
I am kinda sorta moving on from gaby.
I am doing things to help myself.
It may be childish, but i dont care.
I packed up everything that was from our realshinshp.
Put it in a box.
And i am writing her a letter saying everything i ever wanted to say.
I deleted her number from my phone,
I deleted her as a friend on FB,
I shall be moving on.

Bad:
My cousin stood me up.
My uncle says im a lying murderer.

I wish people could love me...
You know?
Well how are you my followers?