Tatted up, yet not tatted yet.

Just read through some of my old posts. Half of me wants to delete them. The other half just wants to keep them because 1) They are apart of me. 2)They are so damn funny.

Anyways, I have a total of 14 days to have my Eagle Project finished and turned in. Oops, waited a little too long. Whatevs.

I am also getting a tattoo a few days after my 18th birthday. I am getting one the Sunday of my birthday weekend. I want to get a "Jesus fish" with the Bible Verse "Walk with Love, as Christ loved us. Ephesians 5:2" on my foot. That or the same bible verse with foot prints walking up my leg. In put?

So today I got a text from a guy who graduated last year, he was writing a paper for school and needed an interview. The topic had something to do with homosexuality. The questions asked me about how I, as a gay man in 2012, felt about the world. I told him about how easy it was for me to come out to my peers, but even today is difficult to come out to adults. He asked what would the one thing I would say to the world about homosexuality if everyone was listening. I told him that someones sexuality does not define them as a person. Judge someone on their character, not their sexual preference. I felt kind of important that he asked me if he could interview me.

Sorry, just wanted to rant.

I saw love in a hopless place.

Thanksgiving break came and went pretty fast, but not without a little excitment. Tuesday my sisters and I drove to Georgia. I dropped them off at my grandparents and was heading to my aunts, didnt see a stop sign, ran out into a four lane road, and BAM! My car is totaled. Gone. No more Stefani. But I am okay, bruised and sore, but okay.

Life has been busy as ever. School work, friend drama, and parent drama.

I feel like I am drifting from my best friends. Kait doesnt seem like she likes me anymore, acting annoyed when I call. Half of me is extremely upset. The other half is fine because she has been lying to me latley. We had a long talk oneday about how I would rather be told the truth about something then a bullshit excuse on something. Since then, I have got her in 4 different lies. I don't understand the purpose in it. I told her I wouldnt be mad if she told me the truth...So she lies. Why? Last night I called to see if she wanted to hangout and her sister said she was asleep. So I call my friend Gabs, her dad told me she was spending the night at Kaitlin's house. I know its little things that I shouldnt get mad at, but its the principle you know? What should I do? (Not a rhetorical question.)

Yesterday I went to JoAnns Fabric's for stuff for my eagle project. I saw a gay couple cuddling up in the scissiors section. They were completley normal, nothing special about them, they were semi-attractive but nothing special, and yet they made me so happy. It made me feel like I would be completley normal and okay when I grow up. I would be able to have a normal life  and love and be happy without trying to hide who I am.The poem below also gives me hope. Makes me sad, but gives me hope.

But then I remembered I have a conservative father who will never accept me for me. Then I remembered I dont give a damn what he thinks and one day I can do me and not care what he thinks.

Thankfulness is a relative term

Happy thanksgiving! This break has been a real mess. I'll posture details later, I'm typing this on my phone.

Wine is the Essence of Life. At least mine.

Its been a while. I wonder if anyone ever reads this anymore. Well....I guess Ill just post for my own personal enjoyment.

Things are alot different then they used to be. They really are. Im happy. I have friends. For the most part drama free. But its high school, so drama is inevitiable. I really think about how things used to be. How angry I used to be at the world. How badly I wanted to kill my self. But I dont any more. I am in a good place. Extermely stressed with school, but that comes with the terrirory of being a college bound senior. Ive been accepted to Mercer University. It is a seven hour drive away from my house. That is plenty of distance. But I really feel like I am going to miss my parents. Even though this past year has been hard, I'll miss them.

My mom broke her arm last week. We were in the car on our way to Georgia, she was drinking, hadnt eaten, drank to much, got out of the car which was parked on a hill, she fell. She wouldnt let me take her to the hospital and forbade me from calling anyone to come help. I was crying screaming this isnt fair. She drinks to much and I have to deal with the mess. I sat in a corner screaming how she was a horrible mother. She doesnt remember a damn thing. Well she remembers falling and that she wouldnt go to the hospital. Eventually I called my aunt sobbing begging for help. She hurried over and got my mom to the ER.  My mother was throughly upset I called my aunt in the moment, but later wasnt mad. There came a part in that night when i knew I couldnt do this alone. And part of maturity is knowing when to ask for help. Since then, my mother constantly apologizes for that night making sure Im not mad. I am. But I love my mother dearly and it would break her heart if she thought I was mad at her. I didnt say anything because I thought her falling would stop the drinking. But when I went to her house the other day Im pretty sure she had been drinking. Well damn. People never learn.

My father hasnt changed much. Im pretty sure he hates me. He doesnt talk to me much and when he does, it about how Im stupid for liking Obama. I volunteered with the President's campaign, which somehow meant that his re-election was soley my doing. As flattered as I am, NC was red. Therefore I had no contribution. We dont talk about me being gay. I mean I kinda understand where his distaste for me comes from. Georgia born and raised boy whose morals come from very conservative christian values and is a die hard republican has a gay democrat son, and it probably doesnt help that im his only son. Him and his fiancee are talking about having a kid. Half of me hopes its a boy so my dad gets the son he wants. The other half knows if it is a son, Im basically out of the picture.

You may be wondering why if this shit with my parents is being soooo rough, why I am so much happier. I mean, shit seems to have gotten worse right! But no. I have this deep connection with new friends. Some I hope Ill stay friends with forever. I am team college bound, meaning in 204 days I will be graduating high school and will be gone. I have deep ties with some teachers. Mr. Sidden my philosophy and music teacher is my favorite. He makes me laugh, tells me the truth, and when I need thirty minutes by myself during lunch break, he lets me stay in his room. Sometimes he picks me up fastfood, but thats a secret.  Hes pretty great.

Tamriage is still around, and as always, is my best friend. He is the best friend I could ever have. He is truly amazing. He doesnt know it, but he is why I am still here. Times I have wanted to kill myself, he has stopped me.

I still get sad sometimes. Sometimes I want to cut. But I dont. I dont want to go down that path again. Things are looking bright.  Life seems to be harder then it actually is. Im pretty sure I want to start posting more. If you read this, please comment. Something small. I just want to know if I have any listeners to my crazy story.