Hell has Hottubs.

Though i didnt want to go to the mountains.
I have to admit.
It hasn't been as bad as i thought it would.
There is a hot tub.
But i get yelled at for everything.
Which sucks.
But i have found my favorite place in the world.
When we arrived i saw this hammock over this hill.
I knew that would be my reading spot.
So after i unpack i go to the hammock.
Its uncomfotorable.
And it started raining.
So i walk around the house trying to find somewhere to read.
There is a back deck.
It has a roof.
And two chairs.
These chairs are like huge bowls.
I curl up in them.
With my pillow.
My book.
And a blanket.
Read while it was sunny.
During th rain.
During the sunset.
After the hot tub.
I read during the night,
It is perfect.
When my family is being annoying its where i go.
(:

We wasted all our freetime alone.

1 new book.
2 coffees.
2.5 hours with Jasmine.
Good day(:
Mountaions tommorow.
Tommorow wont be a good day.

Party in the bug(:

Today has been an amazing day.
You are no longer paret of my life.
My mom says, jokingly of course, if you mess with me again we will call the INS(:
Well today it is sunny and 68 degreess outside.
Not a cloud to be seen for miles around(:
My family went to eat lunch togther.
Then went to target.
Then we put the top down in my moms convertable.
And drove around the city.
Blasting music.
Danceing.
Singing(:

He soul sista. Or sister?

If you had a place that was all yours.
Your thing.
You made it.
And someone you didnt want there invaded.
How would you feel?
So i made this thing called Young Life at my school.
But that died.
It orignally had 20 members.
But now has 3.
So we renamed it Sam and Tams life.
The third memeber is DeeDee.
So every week for the past few meetings me and DeeDee take over the white board.
And write quotes.
This week we had a fourth member.
I cant say her name cause we will end up in guidance.
So we will call her Suzi.
Suzi came.
My ex.
Who ruins my life.
And she started taking over the board.
Writing quotes.
I dont like you suzi.
God damn.
No one understands :/

Why oh Why do i want you?

Why do I chose to be around you?
Why do I choose to put my self thur the pain?
I hate this.
The only reason I stay around is cause I think things will get better.
But I don't think it will.
God damn it.

Why oh Why do i want you?

Why do I chose to be around you?
Why do I choose to put my self thur the pain?
I hate this.
The only reason I stay around is cause I think things will get better.
But I don't think it will.
God damn it.

A Game of Chess

So to avoid any conflict.
I am going to have to use codnames for certain people in my blog.
So here we go.

Screw you Suzie.
Screw you.
Sending me texts saying to tell you what i think.
That i act like you dont eexsist.
Hell yeah i act like that.
You know why?
Because when we talk you cause problems.
When we speak mrs. kathy gets involved.
You dont know when to stop.
I dont want you in my life anymore.
Thats why we havent spoken.
Why does Mat hang around you?
Not in the why would anyone way....
But in the why would he do that too me?
He promised me he wouldnt go after you.
But how am i supposed to feel when he is around you all the time.
and then he uses his damn logic to make it sound like he is treating everyoen equal.
Hes not.
Mat why do you do this too me?
Why do you tell me one thing and do another?
Why dont you qare about me anymore.
Oh wait.
Your too wrapped up i in your own little world.
Which apparently im not apart of anymore.
The fact that you told me that chirs was more important then me...
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
You dont want me to be mad but you say that>?
Fuck you.
If you keep going on the road your on im not gonna be your friend.
You sit there and laugh about your other friends making fun of me.
You sit there and tell me about you making fun of me with your other friends.
And you hurt alot of people.
God damn.
And your supposed to be my friend?
Im tired of this shit.
Go play chess.

Cyber Communication: Progress or Problem.

Why are you better than me?
Why are you more impotant too me?
Why am I not as good as you why are you bettert than me?
Last night was this speech competion.
Top 5 boys and top 5 girls from my school went.
I was one of the boys.
I did a good job.
I thought I would atleast place.
But of course.
I'm not good enough.
All of my friends placed but me.
Carlynne: 1st place girls
Tamriage: 1st place boys
Gina: 2nd place girls.
Sam: no place.
I get to school and all I hear is about how great they are for winning.
About how I didn't do good wnough.
Somepeople are nice and say that I should have placed.
But others aren't.
Certain people brag.
Say "the medal says it all"
I want to go home.
I hate this school.
I hate that stupid cocky tone you give me and say just look at the medal.
I hate the stupid laugh yall do when yall are leaveing me out.
Yeah we are the pentagon.
But I don't feel like I matter.
What if I disapeared.
What if I never said goodbye.
And I left forever.
I hate when you act like I'm not there.
Why am I always rthe one who gets left out.
Last place again.
December comes last.

LLITM....ACKHTMGM.

How many times a day do i talk to you,
But you dont hear me.
I say your name but you dont even care.
I wonder what you think about me.
If we truly are friends.
Why am i being a dick?
Why did you say fuck you to me?
Why did you lie and say i was better?
Why do you use me?
Though everyone of those questions is directed to a different person.
Why do yuo say you love me if you dont.
I wonder why alot of things happen.
Ignorance is bliss.
Wait that doesnt fit.
Too bad.

Hello, My name is Lane Kim.

I feel like i have to hide who i really am.
I feel as though no one should see the real me.
Why?
Why?
Why?
I feel like if i show you who i really am.
You will surley leave me.
So what do i do to hide this?

I hollow out books.
Today i hollowed out 2 books.
They are to hide money.
I decided once i raise 2,000 dollars
I will tell my parents i am bi.
This is because i need to make sure i have money.
Because if they kick me out,
Then i need money to fall back on.

My name is Sam.
And i am scared of being myself.
I feel like i need to dress like everyone else does.
I need to say what everyone else does.
I need to be like everyone else.
And the real me needs to be hidden.
Because if you see the real me.
You wont like me.

Take notes.Youll need them.

You make me smile.
You make me cry.
You make me happy.
You frustrate me.
How can you do this to me and still be who you are?
Did you know when i think about that situation, i almost want to cry.
Not because i am jealous.
Not because i am some emotional freak.
Well maybe i am an emotional freak. But still.
Its because you made me a promise.
You promised me that you would stay away.
You would do as i say.
 Jump ship before it sets sail.
But you wont listen to me.
Your just going to go on doing what you do.
She says shes not into you.
But she lies.
I see it in her eyes.
She wants you.
She needs you.
She needed me at one point.
She really did.
But you see where me and her are now?
I dont want that for you.
I gave her my heart and she broke it in two.
She gave dme hers, and yeah i hurt it.
I tried to repair it.
But she never saw that.
You, you dont want that.
But that doesnt matter.
You wont listen to me.
Do you want to know why i really dont want you to go there?
Because if i saw you near her.
If i saw you cuddling with her.
I wouldnt be able to stand it.
Why?
I have no idea.
Just the thought of it makes me uncomftorable.
And then,
You would become obessed like i did,
And want to spend all your time with her.
Where would you go during gym?
With her?
With us?
You cant have both.
Because you know the rest of us dont want her with us.
I.
Cant.
Do.
This.
You say to live life in the moment.
LLITM.
But sometimes.
We need to think about others perspectives.
Think about how others might feel.
I want to belive that you will do as you promised.
But it kills me when i have to doubt my bestfriend.
Its Death From Doubt.

There isnt just Black and White. Theres Grey too.

People are so ***********************.
Haha sorry. I got called to guaidance the other day.
And have been having meetings.
Because someone put stuff about people, including me on their  blog.
And i got upset.
And cussed the bitch out(:
And so my guidance counslor said if i wanted to say something mean over blog.
To use astirks.
Haha i love you mrs. snyder.

There is drama in the pentagon.
The pentagon is what me and four of my friends call ourselves.
Yeah it may sound dumb, but its us,

Tommorow i have my starbuks meeting with jasmine.
Ill post more later.

Anything.

I love you.
I hate you.
I want you.
I want nothing to do with you.
I need you.
I need you to leave me alone.
But, I need you now.
I know we have had a rocky past.
I know we have had our ups and downs.
I know we are just now starting to become friends.
But babe, i need you now.
Your beautful.
Kind.
Sweet.
Wonderful.
When i ask if we can be together, you quote shakespear.
You arent shallow.
Babe.
We could be so great.
Your everything i want.
Your everything i need.
You and me together,
We can take on anything.

Being Striaght is the Default Setting

Today has been an amazing day.
I went to Starbucks with Jasmine.
We sat and talked about everything under the sun.
Litterally.
We sat outside in the sun with a nice breeze.
Sitting at an old faded wood table.
Which was pressed up against a stone wall.
That over looked Thurway Shopping Center.
It was beautiful
We talked about all of our problems,
And I sipped my Chi Tea Latte.
And she sipped her frapacino.
We talked about
Girls.
Boys.
Parents.
School.
Drama.
Gossip.
Life.
It was wonderful to just have time to sit with a friend.
Then we walked across the street to this little used book store.
We bought several books.
I got a new book intitled Object of Desire.
And she got books about films and Malcom X,
After we bought our books we walked to this statue, which is surronded by a stone wall.
And we once again sat and talked.
We plan on doing the same next sunday.
And i plan on writing a book.
Ill let you know more later.

Hot Steamy Shower

Though i have been sick the last two days,
I have had a good week.
I have been talking more with a good friend of mine.
We are going for coffee at star bucks on saturday.
I  have come out to more people that i am bi sexual.
Though im not ready to make it public yet.
Its been a good week.

love is a battlefeild

So much to say but so little time.
I lay in my room.
Hidden in my sheets.
being happy.
Its been a while since I've been happy.
Its been a rough week.
Lost a bestfriend cause she's a controling bitch and says my life is fine.
Gained 1 new best friend. We tell eachother everything.
Told my older siser I was bi.
Broke it off with brooke.
Devloped a crush on a guy.
My first offical gay crush. :)
And gained a new friend. Ill post more later.
Lots of love.

Beez Kneez

When you think things have gotten better they get worse.
Take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.
My sisters once again all ganged up against me.
Called me a pycho with no friends.
And i cut for the first time in forever.
And i realized i have slipped back into being suicidal. FML.
I dont know.
Sometimes i just wish things were different.
Very different.
I wish my dad supported me.
I wish my mom cared more.
I wish they were still together.
I wish i was happy.
Not sitting alone blogging.
Not that blogging is a bad thing.
But i started it cause i need somewhere to share it all.
And here i am.
Spreading my message.
Ugh i keep getting those thoughts in my head.
I want to die.

Ims till alive. But im barley breathing.

When you think life has given you lemons to make lemonade,
You just send up with sour juice.
If that made sence....
Today i cried.
For the first time in a while.
Between my family going to them mall,
When i got in the car my sister said no dont let him go.
Then whenevr we ould pivk at each other I would get yelled at.
Then my sister picked at me for 8 striaght minutes.
Saying
"At least my spanish teacher doesnt call me fat."
"At least Im not fat."
"Now your gonna cry like a baby like always"
"No one likes you."
I lost it.
Slapped her across the face. and guess who gets yelled at?
Me.
Goddddd...
Fuck my life.
I want to smoke but im out of ciggreates.
I want to cut but i threw away my blade.
I want to die but i need to stay here.
FML.